


Can You Face What The River Knows

by disneydork



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst, Elsamaren Halloween, F/F, Fluff, I Tried, Maybe Dark, Movie: Frozen (2013), Movie: Frozen 2 (2019), Post-Frozen 2 (2019), an attempt, elsamaren, it's different for me, or maybe suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27290629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disneydork/pseuds/disneydork
Summary: Elsa's biggest fear is letting everyone down. But nothing could terrify or break her more than letting down or losing her family.
Relationships: Elsa/Honeymaren (Disney)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	Can You Face What The River Knows

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is different for me. As much as my favorite thing about Halloween is the costumes and the candy and just the happiness it brings everyone, another major part of Halloween is the horror and darkness and suspense. So i was trying to channel that in for something of an Elsamaren Halloween attempt. Did it work? Is it halfway decent? i have absolutely no idea! i'll let you guys decide that for yourselves.

Ahtohollan was eerily quiet. Most visits there would be the faintest sounds of nature from outside the glacier; waves fading in and out from the shore; wildlife passing through via the sea or skies; the simple breeze. Many times there would be an echoing of the voice through the icy walls, the siren that originally called her to the river. But this time, as well as so many others in recent years, there was nothing. Perhaps the faintest movement caused her cape to sway, flapping up and down as she descended the staircase. There was of course the crackling of ice forming or rising as she crossed the chasm. But as she moved deeper into its depths the only sound that seemed to echo through the caverns was the clacking of her sandals against the solid ground. Each step became firmer than the one passing. Her back straightened as she passed the pillars she once raised with the wave of a hand. Her arms stiffened at her sides and her fists clenched; her fingers fought to free themselves, whether to fiddle with each other, wiggle at her sides, or simply look for something to grab. Yet they remained steady, the habit forced away in the moment as she channeled her inner queen. For as much as she struggled to lock it away, one instance or another always seemed to arise in which she must think back to her former life.

This was one of those instances.

She stopped just in front of the centerpiece. Oceanic eyes glued to the diamond shape, knowing full well what was about to happen. All she had to do was make it so.

Taking in a breath, she stood poised. Her focus remained steady. She pursed her lips, almost as to keep her face void of all emotion. No, there was one emotion - persistence. Because tonight was the night she was going to get her answers. On the exhale, she stepped onto the diamond. It lit up beneath her, branches forming from the corners and sides, leading to four other diamonds. It shifted into the snowflake symbol of the Fifth Spirit. As the light rose, completely surrounding her, she began gently swaying her arms around. She focused on the ice around her, a mist steadily forming. And as her eyes closed, she pictured a single image. The pace of her movements increased as she put all of her focus into what she saw, hoping to see the memories tonight that she sought for so long.

“Show me.”

Her usual warm, velvety voice was full of grit and command. She knew exactly what she wanted and this time she was going to get it. With a final stomp of her feet, her arms spread apart and she felt the mist around her clearing. She stood straight once again, not wasting any time opening her eyes.

The multiple snow figures were nothing new. She was accustomed to seeing numerous scenes play out at once when she accessed Ahtohollan’s memories. By now, Elsa was fully aware of the process. She would weave through the moments in time before her, searching for something remotely resembling the one she desired. And, if she got lucky, that one memory would steadily lead her back in time.

_“Do the magic! Do the magic!”_

_“Who’s into trivia? I am!”_

_“Who marries a man they just met??”_

_“It’s true love!”_

_“Well you’re in luck. I know nothing about women.”_

_“You know...you belong up here.”_

No, no, none of those were right.

Tempting; but not what she was looking for.

_“Mama, do it!”_

_“We really shouldn’t, love. Not while she’s working.”_

_“Pleeeeease? It’ll be so fun!”_

_“All right, all right.”_

Perfect!

Elsa looped through one of the nearby scenes and instinctively crouched to watch the specific one unfold in front of her. It was a snow figure of her talking to a giddy little girl. The two of them were concealed behind a rather thick tree and, seeming to be in the distance, was Honeymaren with one of the reindeer. Elsa couldn’t help but place her hand to her mouth, hoping to hold back the fit of giggles that was sure to follow.

Not like anyone would actually hear her in Ahtohollan, but perhaps it was a force of habit.

_Elsa raised a finger, forming the smallest snowball with her powers. The little girl beside her giggled, but Elsa softly shushed her. The two of them peered around the tree towards Honeymaren, who was completely focused on caring for the animal. After a pause, Elsa flicked her finger and the snowball flew across the field, lightly smacking the woman’s hat. Honeymaren jerked up and glanced around, a faint “hm” escaping her. She slowly turned her attention back to the reindeer and a moment later, Elsa formed another snowball. She leaned forward, handing it to the girl beside her. She pointed forward, as if to silently direct her where to throw it. The girl clutched it in her hands, sticking her tongue out and squinting her eyes. She shifted her body a little, seeming to wait for just the right moment…. And then she threw it as hard as she could._

_Yet, in that same second, Honeymaren spun around and smacked the snowball with her staff. The ball splattered into tiny snowflakes, scattering around her._

_“Gotcha!”_

_“AH! Run!” the girl squealed happily._

_While she struggled to climb up the nearby tree, Elsa sprinted in the other direction, flinging her arm to create a slide beneath her to make for an easy getaway._

_“Oh no you don’t!” Honeymaren laughed. She effortlessly navigated up the tree, catching up to the girl in no time. As they were only a few branches up, Honeymaren had no issue diving down, back first, as her arms wrapped around the giggling girl. Seconds later, the two of them landed into a pile of snow, which Elsa conjured up without a problem. They sat up in the frozen water, the little girl laughing harder than Honeymaren as she shook her head in an attempt to lose any snowflakes._

_Elsa’s ice slide lowered, stopping beside the snow pile and she leapt off of it, offering her hand to help the girls out of the pile. “Are you both ok?” she asked, trying and failing to hold back her own fit of giggles._

_“Oh, we’re totally fine…” Honeymaren replied innocently. She reached out and took Elsa’s hand, seeming to accept her help out of the snow. That is, until she pulled Elsa in, head first. “Now!”_

Elsa found herself giggling at the memory, feeling a bit more at ease. She loved starting with happy memories such as those. For that one brief moment, it made her forget the gravity of her visits in the first place. Unfortunately, there was more to see. She had to go further back. Standing back up, she glanced around as snow leaves in the form of the wind spirit circled her. She followed Gale seamlessly to the next memory. It wasn’t as recent as the first one, perhaps a couple of years prior. Elsa and Honeymaren were present yet again, as was the same little girl, but as a toddler. Honeymaren sat next to a reindeer, facing Elsa and the child. The little girl stood in front of Elsa, the top of her head coming up to about Elsa’s chin when she sat. There was a bit of uneasiness on the girl’s part as she stood face to face with the reindeer.

_“It’s ok,” Honeymaren promised softly, “you’ve seen all the reindeer before. He’s not going to hurt you.”_

_The toddler raised a hand up to the creature, but as soon as the reindeer snorted she jerked back. A squeak escaped her and she immediately curled into Elsa’s arms._

_“He’s just saying hello,” Elsa commented gently. She stroked the girl’s hair to calm her down._

_“He scawy,” the girl sniffed._

_“Bjorgen? He’s a total mush,” Honeymaren said as she rubbed the reindeer’s neck. “He just sounds grumpy because it’s not dinner time.”_

_“What makes Bjorgen so scary compared to the other reindeer?” Elsa inquired._

_“Bigger…” she managed to get out._

_“That just means he can protect you better,” Elsa suggested._

_Honeymaren tilted her head. “You sure you don’t have that reversed, Snowflake? We’re supposed to protect them.”_

_“I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of protecting us if he needs to. Isn’t that right, Bjorgen?” Elsa raised her free arm and gently scratched under his chin. The reindeer obliged and tilted his head upwards to give her better access. She seemed to hit a soft spot for him and he automatically began panting. His reaction got the little girl to turn around a bit. She still stayed tucked into Elsa, but stared at the creature more freely._

_Honeymaren placed a hand on her hip. “You do know we’re talking about the same Bjorgen who’s scared of his own shadow, right?”_

_To that, Bjorgen paused. He quickly turned his head to Honeymaren, then to Elsa, and then cocked his head in confusion. It was almost as if he were asking, ‘who, me?’_

_The girl looked at Honeymaren expectantly._

_“Ok, I am_ not _doing the voice. That’s Ryder’s job,” she insisted as if she were reading the child’s mind._

_The toddler pouted._

_“Oh, come on, Honey,” Elsa prodded. She lifted the girl into her lap and tilted her head, seeming to give her a puppy-dog pout. “For us? Please?”_

_There was a pause._

_Honeymaren slapped her forehead. “My whole family is full of mushes,” she mused. But after a moment she lowered her hand and revealed a smile. Letting out a sigh, she straightened her posture and cleared her throat. She adjusted her voice so it came out a bit deeper and certainly dopier. “‘Who me? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a good little reindeer.’”_

The memory faded with laughter escaping the three girls. Elsa moved on through the snow figures, stopping to lean against one of the trees. She could see in the distance another memory play out. She furrowed her brows, wondering if it was the specific one she was looking for. She attempted to get closer, though it was only enough to make out her and Yelena in the encampment. Bits and pieces of their conversation could be overheard, starting with Yelena’s voice, though not necessarily in succession.

_“We take care of our own.”_

_“She was alone.”_

_“We don’t know….”_

_“What are we supposed to do?”_

_“Are you really suggesting_ _—_ _”_

_“She needs someone.”_

_“You are the Fifth Spirit.”_

The snow figures faded, forming a light mist. Elsa blinked. She turned to the snow tree beside her, realizing that it had also vanished. Her arm retreated beside her body and she glanced around the room. There were no more memories for her to see. There was nothing new. So much like every other time, everything vanished just before she could get to where she needed. Elsa’s brows furrowed in frustration.

“Not again,” she groaned to herself. Her head shot up and she looked around the empty space. “Why are you doing this? Why won’t you show me?”

As if she should expect a frozen river to answer her.

Though, maybe the siren call would be nice once in a while, just so she knew she wasn’t totally crazy.

But nothing came.

Elsa sighed in defeat. She failed again. Shaking her head, she wrapped her arms loosely around herself and proceeded to exit.

“Sorry, River,” she whispered before leaving the darkening room behind her.

\---

Things appeared to be calming down for the evening at the encampment once Elsa arrived. There were still a few of the Northuldra conversing or enjoying their dinner. Others were cleaning up and preparing to shut down for the evening. Most of the children were already inside their goahtis, though there may have been a couple off to the side with their parents or guardians. Perhaps one or two of the tribe members acknowledged Elsa’s passing, be it with a nod or a quick hello and while Elsa returned the gesture, she made no effort to speak unless she was spoken to. Her aura as she passed through was almost similar to when she entered Ahtohollan; she wouldn’t go so far as to say she was channeling her inner queen, but she was certainly keeping up appearances. There was no need to make things any more stressful than they already were.

She heard a shifting behind her, followed by a yip, and quickly recognized it as the fire spirit Bruni. Elsa halted and knelt down, giving the salamander enough time to leave the empty bowl, scurry towards Elsa, and jump into her palm.

“Couldn’t wait for me so you’re picking scraps, are you?” she teased lightly.

Using her free hand, she sprinkled some snowflakes above his head. At first Bruni tilted his head watching a few of them fall, but then happily pulled his tongue in and out, allowing some of the flakes to fall on it. He chirped happily and looked up to Elsa in hopes of some more.

“Maybe if you behave yourself,” she suggested. “Come on now, let’s get home.”

She passed through the rest of the camp until reaching the edge. While most of the Northuldra’s goahtis were set up near each other in close quarters, there was one particular structure that kept its distance from the rest. The only thing differentiating it from the rest were a few ice decorations. A bit of perma-snow on top, a couple of crystals to the side, not to mention a few dangling icicles at the entrance which worked not only as an entryway but also as a soft wind chime. The goahti was set up a couple of paces away from a tree. The bottom of the bark was scratched a few times with a knife, as if to indicate someone’s growth. If it were lighter outside, the markings beside each line would be much easier to read. Elsa gently ran her fingertips across the bark, breathing in the scent of her home. However, on the exhale, her eyes darted down and she noticed a couple of empty bowls. Pursing her lips and raising an eyebrow, she turned so her back leaned up against the tree. She glanced at the salamander, who tilted his head curiously. A smile began to cross her face as she realized exactly what was coming.

“Three...two...one….” She mouthed.

“BOO!”

“Oh my goodness,” Elsa giggled, turning around.

Bruni yelped and quickly scurried up Elsa’s arm, curling on top of her shoulder and securing himself under some strands of her hair.

In front of her face, dangling from the tree was the same child from Ahtohollan’s memories. Not much more than a year older from the first memory, but she was just as giddy. She was safe in Honeymaren’s grasp, who was hanging upside-down from one of the branches. How she pulled that off so effortlessly and fearlessly, Elsa had no idea.

Elsa held out her arms, allowing the child to wiggle out of Honeymaren’s grasp and switch into Elsa’s. Though not much older than five, the girl was quite small and lightweight. One of her pigtails became undone, unruly strands of thick hair nearly slapping Elsa in the face.

A chirp from Bruni indicated he poked his head out to greet the child. She eagerly squealed a greeting to him, which got the salamander excited enough to leave the safety of Elsa’s shoulder and climb onto the little girl’s head. She giggled in response to feeling his feet patter against her head.

“Someone’s sprightly tonight,” Elsa observed. “Were you a good girl for Mommy, River?”

The child pulled back, looking up at Elsa with eyes that, although Honeymaren would swear were a lighter version of the blonde’s, Elsa would relate them more to the symbol of the water spirit.

“I’m always good!” River responded.

Elsa narrowed her gaze questionably. The child’s gaze and smile, however, did not waver.

“Was she really?” the blonde looked to Honeymaren, who was still dangling upside-down.

“She stayed with me the whole day except when Gale had to keep her in time out for five minutes,” the brunette answered.

“What happened this time?” Elsa rolled her eyes.

“Tell Mama what you did,” Honeymaren encouraged.

The child squeaked.

“River,” Honeymaren raised an eyebrow.

She sighed. Looking up at Elsa, River batted her eyes and pulled in her lips. “Itriedclimbing atreewithoutmommy’shelp, almostfell, andkindabrokeathing,” she answered almost in one breath.

Elsa groaned. “You have to be more careful, love, you could have gotten hurt.” She looked to Honeymaren, “Did anyone yell at her?”

The brunette held her hands up before folding them across her chest. “Nothing happened. I deflected everything.”

“I sorry,” the child pouted.

Honeymaren shook her head. “Why don’t you go inside and play with Bruni? Let Mama get some dinner.”

There was a groan of resistance, but River ultimately relented. She slid out of Elsa’s grasp and toddled into the goahti.

“I actually might turn in,” Elsa admitted, “I’m not hungry.”

“You really should eat something,” Honeymaren’s look softened.

“And you really should come down from there,” she retorted.

To that, the brunette smirked. “Make me.”

“You’re impossible,” Elsa rolled her eyes.

The two of them held a steady gaze, neither willing to relent.

At least, until Elsa blinked when she found herself melting into Honeymaren’s eyes. It was no wonder the brunette always won their staring contests. Shaking her head, Elsa wiped the smirk off Honeymaren’s face by placing a chaste kiss to her lips.

Smiling with satisfaction when Elsa pulled back, Honeymaren lifted her body so her arms grabbed the branch of the tree. She turned herself right-side-up before easily slipping down from the tree. “You sure you don’t want me to grab you something? I’m sure there’s some stew left over.”

“I’m positive,” Elsa nodded. She fiddled with her platinum blonde hair, tying it back into a ponytail. As she loosened her grip on it, she felt Honeymaren’s arms wrap around her waist.

“And Ahtohollan?” she asked, much quieter that time.

The taller woman sighed. “Nothing. Again.”

“I’m sorry, Snowflake,” Honeymaren apologized. She placed a kiss on Elsa’s bare shoulder.

Most other instances, it would make Elsa feel better with no questions asked. Unfortunately, this was something bigger than the both of them. “It’s the third time this month,” she commented solemnly.

But that was an understatement.

It wasn’t just the third time that month.

It was the eighth time that season.

It was the fifteenth time since the last snowfall.

It was the twenty-ninth time since the start of the year.

And every time ended exactly the same.

“I just wish I could find out the truth. Make things better for her. For us,” she sighed.

Honeymaren tilted Elsa’s head to face her. “Hey. She’s got us. I’ve got you and her. She’s fine. I’m fine. _We’re_ fine.”

As much as Elsa wanted to believe Honeymaren, current circumstances spoke differently.

“It could be so much better,” she admitted.

“Maybe. But we made it this long, right?” she shrugged. “I promise, whether you ever find out any answers or not, I have no regrets. I made my choice. I’d make the same one again.”

Elsa wanted to believe her something awful. She wished she could. From the way Honeymaren held her tightly to the sincerity she spoke with to never breaking eye contact. By all accounts, those should have been every mark of the truth. But Elsa couldn’t allow herself to think such a thing. If she did, it was only because she willed it. Because it was what she wanted. Because she loved Honeymaren.

Whatever the reason, neither of them could doubt what was painfully obvious - things had become increasingly difficult. As happy as they were together, as much as they loved their family, things could have been significantly better.

“Hey! Honeymaren! I got a bone to pick with you!”

Honeymaren rolled her eyes. She reluctantly pulled away from Elsa and turned with her arms folded across her chest. “What is it this time, Nigo?”

“I caught your reindeer with mine. I told you to keep it away,” he demanded.

“It’s not my fault Bjorgen has questionable taste in women,” Honeymaren muttered.

Elsa stepped between them. “What she means is, please don’t punish Bjorgen for simply acting on instincts. He doesn’t understand.”

“Well make him understand,” Nigo insisted. “If your deer knocks mine up—”

“Then we will take care of it. You won’t have to worry about any ties to us, we can promise you that,” Elsa said simply. She kept her voice stern, with the faintest hint of grit. It was not a tone she often wanted to access. It was too similar to her queen persona. The woman who buried herself in her work. The woman who was so easily overwhelmed with issue after issue. The woman who had to keep up appearances for the sake of everyone. The woman who concealed herself. She hated that there were times she had to continue to dig deep within herself to drag it out, that she still even needed to do such a thing. But for the sake of her family, Elsa would freeze herself in an ice fortress if it meant protecting them.

Nigo kept his glare, but his jaw seemed to unclench slightly. There was a pause as he met Elsa’s gaze. Ultimately, he exhaled and responded in a lower, almost regretful register, “You’re damn lucky you’re the Fifth Spirit.” With that, he turned and left the women.

Elsa didn’t dare relax her pose even when he disappeared from sight. She kept her back straight, her arms stiff at her sides, and her shoulders locked. She wished she could say that this was something that didn’t happen often. But the truth was, she was all too used to it. Unfortunately, so was Honeymaren. Perhaps that was why moments later she instinctively wrapped her arms around Elsa’s waist and rested her head on her shoulder. Elsa’s body immediately loosened in Honeymaren’s hold and she allowed herself to let out the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding in.

“We should get inside,” she suggested softly. “River’s waiting.”

“Ok,” Honeymaren nodded in agreement. She kissed Elsa’s cheek and then moved one of her hands to take hold of Elsa’s. She turned around, leading the blonde into their goahti for the night. But as Elsa followed her inside, she couldn’t help but turn her head around and glance at the encampment. Everything seemed to be set so close to each other, but the truth was they couldn’t have been further away from the tribe.

Maybe one day that would finally change.

\---

“River, are you eating all the cloudberries again?”

The little girl turned her head towards her mama with puffed out cheeks and a few berry stains across her lips. “No….”

Elsa tilted her lips, causing one of her eyes to squinch.

River swallowed. “Ok…. Maybe a few,” she confessed.

“River, we have to help pick enough cloudberries for everyone in camp,” Elsa scolded gently. Setting her basket of berries on the ground, she then licked one of her fingers and rubbed it across River’s face. The girl flinched slightly.

“Mama I can clean myself!” she protested.

“Really now?” the blonde teased. “Then why are you always making such a mess?” She poked River’s nose, where a splash of dirt had been resting for the better part of the morning. River giggled in response, which caused Elsa to smile. Still, she couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow and brought her gaze to the next bush over. “I wonder where you got that from now.”

“Hey, I’m not _that_ messy!” Honeymaren laughed.

“Says the woman who was wrestling her reindeer the other night,” Elsa countered.

“Hey, Bjorgan’s got to learn that sooner or later, he can’t run from everything,” Honeymaren replied.

“He runs from his own shadow,” Elsa deadpanned.

“Bjorgan’s silly,” River giggled. “I wanna play with him.”

“Not until we’re done here,” Elsa replied. “This is our job this morning. We have to make sure we gather as many berries as we can to feed everyone at dinner tonight.” She shifted her body, continuing to remove some cloudberries carefully from the bush, as to not squash them between her fingertips.

The child only cocked her head. “Why?”

“Because we’ll get in trouble if we don’t,” Honeymaren commented, rubbing River’s head. She sat next to her, starting to remove some berries the child hadn’t eaten yet. “Besides I’ve been pissing Yelena off my whole life. So if any of us is gonna give her a reason to be all...well, Yelena...it’s gonna be me. Not either of you.”

“But she doesn’t like any of us,” River commented.

To that, the brunette scoffed. “Want to know a secret? Yelena doesn’t like anyone.”

“But nobody here likes us. So why we help them?” River inquired.

She asked it so innocently. So matter-of-factly. As if it were just something she came to know as a daily part of life. But it didn’t change the cracking of the ice in Elsa’s veins. The blonde stopped in her tracks, fingers halting just before touching the next berry.

_Nobody here likes us._

It wasn’t a secret; no one in Northuldra liked them. Not anymore. Still, Elsa and Honeymaren tried so hard to shield River from it. They tried keeping her close to one of them at all times. They sent her into their goahti when another Northuldra approached them about an issue so she wouldn’t have to witness the argument that would surely follow. They tried to keep her distant from everyone else in the camp. They tried so hard to protect her. From the stares. From the judgment. From the fear.

_Nobody here likes us._

Still, somehow she caught on. She knew. She knew their family was outcast. Though they were still very much a part of the encampment and had to do their part to help, they were not always welcome. They couldn’t sit around the fire at night and enjoy dinner with everyone else. They couldn’t gather around for stories. They couldn’t be a part of a large group for certain duties like fishing, hunting, or caring for the reindeer. Hell, they couldn’t be around any reindeer aside from their own.

_Nobody here likes us._

Everyone tolerated Elsa. Even Nigo said it himself; she was lucky she was the Fifth Spirit. She was the bridge between humans and nature. She had to stick around to keep balance. She had a place in Northuldra. It wasn’t just a part of her heritage; it was a part of her life. She was in tune with the spirits. Elsa kept the peace. But ever since River….

It was supposed to just be Elsa. She was the one who volunteered against the wishes of Yelena. No.... She _insisted_.

But then Honeymaren showed up.

She was supposed to be the next leader.

She was supposed to take over for Yelena when the time was right.

And she showed up to Elsa instead. She chose her over her people.

And just like that she was met with the same stares and attitudes.

The people went from respecting her to seeing her as a nuisance.

All because of River.

Because of Elsa.

It was her fault.

That was why no one liked them.

It was her fault.

“Elsa.”

The blonde’s eyes widened. Her back arched and a small sheet of ice formed beneath her feet. She felt something warm come in contact with her shoulder. The grip was firm yet still somehow so gentle. When she felt a finger slide across the side of her arm, caressing it, she realized it was Honeymaren. Elsa exhaled softly, willing the ice to retreat from underneath her. Pulling her hand away from the berries, she pressed her fingers to her temple. She had to get it together.

She turned her head towards the brunette, only to see that someone was missing. Her eyes widened. “Where’s River?” she gasped.

“It’s ok,” Honeymaren promised. “I sent her to Bjorgan. I told her to play with him.”

“Are you sure? What if…?” she started.

“Everyone else tries to avoid him. If they leave him alone, they’ll leave her alone,” she said.

Elsa closed her eyes and took in a sharp breath. “I have to go back. I have to find out.”

“To Ahtohollan?” Honeymaren guessed.

“If I can just see enough proof, I can recreate the memory and show Yelena. I need those answers,” she responded curtly.

“You can’t keep draining yourself like that, Snowflake. You’ve been going more and more and staying there longer. If Ahtohollan hasn’t told you anything in almost five years, why would she tell you anything now?” She kept her voice the same as her grip — simultaneously gentle and firm. How Honeymaren did that, Elsa had no idea. Nor did she have the energy to determine such a thing. No matter how addicting and comforting it was. Honeymaren paused. “Maybe…. Maybe she’s not showing you anything for a reason. Maybe this is just how it’s meant to be. There doesn’t have to be an answer or reason for everything. Some things...maybe only Ahtohollan is meant to know.”

Elsa’s gaze narrowed. “But that’s not fair. That’s not fair to _her_. She’s a child, Maren. And people keep treating her like she’s….”

“I know,” she nodded, not allowing Elsa to finish her statement. “But you and I both know that’s not the case. It’s been enough for her for this long. We’re all she needs.”

“But she knows,” Elsa exhaled. 

There was a pause.

“We can still leave,” Honeymaren suggested softly. “It’s always been an option.”

Elsa sighed. It wasn’t the first time Honeymaren put the idea on the table. And it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Perhaps that would have been the easiest thing. To just leave. Maybe not leave and go all the way back to Arendelle, maybe not even to Elsa’s ice palace on the North Mountain. But just...somewhere else. Where they could get away from everyone. Even though Honeymaren had suggested Arendelle at one point, tempting as it was, Elsa would never take that offer.

“You know why we can’t,” she sighed.

“Just because you’re not here every day it doesn’t mean you can’t do your spirit duties. We’ll make it work. We’ll find a way,” Honeymaren promised.

“This is your home. What about Ryder?” Elsa responded.

“It’s not like I can see him much right now anyway. You know what Yelena’s orders are,” she replied. “And anyway, you know full well that if we went anywhere he’d come with us.”

“All the more reason for us to stay,” Elsa said.

“And get treated like shit? To keep letting River be treated like shit?” she furrowed her brows. “Things haven’t changed in five years. Why would anything start changing now?”

Elsa groaned. She didn’t want to have this argument...no, it wasn’t an argument. It was a discussion. One that had the potential to become heated quite quickly. But Elsa wasn’t going to give it that chance. It wasn’t the first time the topic arose nor would it be the last. And Elsa would continue to fight it every time. She knew full well what she had gotten into. If she didn’t choose differently then, why would she change now? No matter how much simpler things would have been. No matter how better off they all would have been. Northuldra. River. Honeymaren. Elsa had the opportunity to make a different decision. And what did she do? She chose to be stubborn and selfish. Whether she and Honeymaren would have been better off in Arendelle or somewhere else, River certainly would have fared better. And it was too late to go back now.

“Maren can we just—”

“EEEEEEEP!”

The women’s heads shot up.

“River,” they whispered in unison.

Quickly, they rose to their feet. Leaving the baskets and berries behind, they dashed towards the herd of reindeer. Up ahead, through the mist of leaves and bushes, they could see the antlers of a reindeer. All too suddenly, two and two were put together. The reindeer was on its hind legs, raising its front hooves. And River was right underneath it. Without a moment to spare, Elsa waved her arm. A thick coat of ice rose from the ground, creating a shield in front of River. It arched over her, a few icicles sticking out in front as if to add extra protection. The reindeer barked and stumbled backwards as soon as its hooves bounced off the arch. It fell to the side, knees bent in front of it, and shaking its head in shock.

Behind the tree near it was Bjorgan, sticking his head out and appearing to shiver from the excitement as well.

Figured.

“River!” Honeymaren gasped. She slid to the girl’s side, quickly scooping her into her arms. “Are you all right?”

River grasped onto her mother, tiny fingers practically pulling on her tunic. “The...the reindeer comed over…. I…. I just went to pet her and….”

And the creature recoiled.

It didn’t take rocket science to figure that out.

Elsa could tell as soon as she noticed the reindeer backing away when it got back to its feet.

It was responding the same way the people did.

By attacking.

By keeping its distance.

Not wanting anything to do with River.

Trying to scare her off.

How much worse it must have gotten for the herd to catch on.

“It’s ok,” Honeymaren promised softly.

“I sorry,” River sniffed.

“HEY!”

Oh no.

Not again.

“What’d I tell you about staying away from my reindeer?” Nigo snapped, approaching them.

Honeymaren rose to her feet, prepared to fight him. Elsa once again deflected by placing a hand on her shoulder. The blonde stepped forward, forcing herself to make eye contact with the man.

“Nothing happened,” she assured him with as much authority as she could muster.

Nigo pointed at her. “Shouldn’t you be neutral as the Fifth Spirit? This isn’t your problem!”

Elsa narrowed her gaze. “This is my daughter we’re talking about.”

“So you’re gonna take the side of that thing over us?” he demanded.

“She’s a child!” Elsa snapped.

“She’s not one of us! Pick your side!” Nigo fought.

“Hey!” Honeymaren interrupted. “You want Elsa to stay out of it? Fine. Take it up with me.” She turned to Elsa, carefully attempting to hand River over to her. “I’ll handle this,” she promised, “take River home.”

“What? No!” Elsa gasped. When she noticed from the corner of her eye River was shaking from the conflict, Elsa shook her head. She gently pried the child off Honeymaren and took her protectively in her arms. Elsa sighed and lowered her voice to stop frightening the child. “What I mean is, I am not leaving you alone. Spirit or not, I’m still her mother.”

“So am I,” Honeymaren pointed out. “And I really, really hate to admit it, but….” She paused to let out an exasperated groan. “Nigo has a point. You should try and stay as neutral as possible. You’re still a spirit. I’m Northuldra. River has my name.”

“She’s not Northuldra,” Nigo stated coldly.

“That’s your opinion,” Honeymaren mumbled.

“It’s the truth,” he replied. “Why you decided to give everything up for that thing….”

“Watch it, Nigo,” the brunette hissed. “Don’t you dare talk about her that way.”

River squeaked, becoming more and more distressed by the tension. Elsa could feel the girl shaking in her arms. Elsa ran one of her hands through the girl’s hair and across the side of her cheek, feeling River’s once smooth skin become a bit edgier. As if it were somehow shifting with her mood. As much as Elsa didn’t want to leave Honeymaren to deal with this aftermath, she couldn’t send River back to the goahti alone. And the longer they stayed, the more intense the situation would become. And, as a result, the more anxious River would feel.

“Come on,” Elsa whispered to her, “let’s go home. Mommy will handle this.”

Reluctantly, Elsa turned and left Honeymaren to deal with Nigo. But even as more distance was created between them and the situation, the more callous River began to feel in her arms. And Elsa could have sworn that the child’s grip on her tightened so much she could practically feel her claws digging into her back.

\---

“How is she?”

Normally the sudden voice shattering through the silence would be enough to make Elsa recoil. Even though she knew full well it was Honeymaren’s voice, it was still a force of habit. First the habit of growing up concealing her powers; now a habit of trying to protect River.

One that was sadly beginning to lose all meaning.

This time, however, a small crackling alerted Elsa to someone approaching. She had given herself enough chance to notice Honeymaren approaching from the corner of her eye. As Honeymaren spoke, Elsa continued folding the tattered fur in her arms.

“She’s fine now. She fell asleep about a half hour ago,” she sighed.

“And before…?”

Elsa took a pause.

Shit.

Honeymaren knew.

Exhaling, Elsa slowly turned around. She saw Honeymaren hold up a broken ice crystal. It was one of the crystals that dangled from the entryway of their goahti. No doubt most of the pieces from earlier remained shattered on the ground.

“Ok…” the blonde confessed softly, “she may have lashed out a little….”

Honeymaren raised an eyebrow doubtfully. “A little?”

Elsa took notice of how those typically warm eyes darted to the furs. She was skeptical, and understandably so. Elsa allowed another sigh to escape her. Reluctantly, she unfolded the fur, a blanket specifically, revealing just how damaged it had become in the scuffle earlier. It appeared about half torn, loose pieces dangling from the sections that had been clawed up. Towards the middle, an area that was still mostly intact, even hard scratch marks that would need to be sewed in.

“Ok…. A lot,” she sighed. But quickly, Elsa shook her head. “But she didn’t mean to! She didn’t have control…. She was scared and she….”

“Elsa.”

Honeymaren didn’t dare let her continue. Elsa could already feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. Without a doubt she would have continued; come up with every excuse in the book; say and do anything to protect River. By all accounts that should not have been necessary with Honeymaren. But somehow the woman still knew. Meeting Elsa’s eyes, Honeymaren placed her hands on her shoulders.

“Look at me. Do I look worried?”

Elsa pulled in her lips. Her grip on the fur tightened slightly as she forced herself to meet Honeymaren’s golden brown eyes. No — worry was too strong a word. In lamest terms, Honeymaren was concerned. She had no idea what could have been happening while she was dealing with Nigo. She only knew that her little girl had gotten terrified. And that a few hours later she walked into her home to see portions of it torn up. It was nothing they couldn’t handle or fix. She was nervous about what she missed and, knowing Honeymaren, likely wishing there was more she could have done. Perhaps even been in both places at once.

But worried? Or scared?

No.

Honeymaren was neither of those things.

It was another habit, Elsa supposed. She had grown so accustomed to peoples’ stares at River. She knew what people thought about her. She knew what they felt. Sooner or later...she hated with every fiber of her being to admit it...but maybe Honeymaren would feel the same way. She would realize what she got herself into. She would regret her decision, despite claiming time and time again she never did. But when she realized how bad it was, she’d blame Elsa. She’d blame River. And she’d leave.

Spirits, how selfish of Elsa to not want that to happen.

What she wouldn’t give to always have Honeymaren.

She’d been around this long...they’d gotten so close...her feelings had gotten so strong….

Elsa could no longer imagine it any other way.

She didn’t want it any other way.

“No….”

Her voice came out barely above a whisper, terrified that if she said anything louder, or hell even anything more, she would crack. Elsa’s breathing may have been under control but her heart rate was racing to the extreme.

The next thing she knew, she was pulled into a hug by Honeymaren. It wasn’t forceful and perhaps it should have been expected. But it still surprised Elsa every time. And she continued to feel overcome by Honeymaren. The touch. The closeness. The scent. Everything about Honeymaren, she felt herself melting into like the first snow of the spring. Letting out a breath, Elsa dropped the fur from her grasp and allowed herself to be consumed by Honeymaren’s warm embrace.

“She’s ok, right?” Honeymaren asked softly.

Elsa could not bring herself to answer verbally; only nod.

“And you…?” Her second question came more cautiously, as if she knew Elsa was hiding something. It must have been all but confirmed when Elsa felt her grip tighten on Honeymaren’s tunic. 

Was she ok?

Physically, yes. A bit tired, admittedly. But aside from that, she was fine. She had been able to deflect most of River’s onslaughts.

But mentally? Emotionally? She was overwhelmed to say the last. She was at a loss of what else to do. No matter what she did, no matter how hard she tried, it was never good enough. It wasn’t good enough for River. And not only was she paying the price, but Elsa and Honeymaren were continuing to feel the repercussions of it all. What the hell was she supposed to do? What the hell _could_ she do?

The only thing she could think of.

Even though history had proven it wasn’t working out.

No matter how times she tried, there was no answer.

No matter how she asked.

No matter how much she insisted.

No matter how many times she went.

No matter how much she thought about it.

But what else could she do except keep trying?

“I have to go back.”

“To Ahtohollan?” Honeymaren guessed.

Elsa could only nod.

Honeymaren tried and failed to hold in a sigh. “How bad is it?”

Elsa paused.

Honeymaren had every right to know.

But by the same token, she couldn’t involve her further.

Honeymaren was already in too deep.

She already had to deal with too much.

Why should Elsa burden her with this?

Especially when it was related to spirit things?

“Elsa.”

Oh no.

Please don’t use that tone, she thought.

That damn soft voice.

That damn warmth.

That damn Honeymaren.

“Please tell me.”

Elsa took in a sharp breath.

Feel, don’t conceal.

She spent so long living by the mantra of ‘conceal, don’t feel’.

She had been trying to break that cycle.

And she tried even harder since River came into their lives.

She tried for her; because Elsa knew that if Honeymaren was going to be around, if she was going to be River’s other mother, there was only so much Elsa could conceal from her. When it came to River, they had to be a team. They had to stand united.

Admittedly, the unity as parents and friends did blur.

Because Elsa didn’t just feel it with Honeymaren as River’s mothers.

She felt it as….

But that didn’t matter.

Maybe sometimes she had been able to feel rather than conceal. She did allow her emotions to get away from her. Because she had Honeymaren.

And, in those instances, it seemed to help Honeymaren as well.

Because in those moments when they were together, nothing else mattered.

They really were a family.

How nice it felt to have that distraction.

To not worry about everything else.

To just melt into each other’s touch and let it go.

But Elsa was also the Fifth Spirit. She had a duty. She had to be the bridge between the humans and the spirits. There was no need to involve Honeymaren in that. Even if somehow River was part of it. Regardless, that was something Elsa believed she had to deal with herself.

But now it had gotten worse.

And it became painfully clear to Honeymaren when she walked into their goahti.

There was no hiding it, was there?

“Today was the worst it’s been….”

“What happened?”

Elsa pulled back slightly. She briefly glanced in River’s direction. She may have been sound asleep but….

But Elsa didn’t want to risk waking her. Or to involve her somehow. It didn’t matter what was going on. She was still a child. This was too much for her.

Gently taking Honeymaren’s hand, Elsa let her out of the goahti. She briefly thought of where they could go. It had to be someplace where it could be just them. Where no one would overhear them. Even if the Northuldra deserved to know about anything involving the spirits, they had no right to intrude on any knowledge about River. They didn’t earn that right. She considered the possibility of going to the shore of the Dark Sea. And while it wasn’t terribly far from where they were currently settled, Elsa didn’t personally want to risk them putting too much distance between them and River if spirits forbid something were to happen. So she came up with the next best solution.

Standing underneath the tree by their goahti, Elsa conjured an ice pillar beneath her and Honeymaren. It rose from the ground, bringing them up a number of branches. Not too close to the ground in case River tried to climb, but not too high up so everything would be out of sight. Once a generous amount of space was created, Elsa sat on the branch in front of them. She waited for Honeymaren to take a seat beside her before she lowered the pillar. Elsa took a pause, placing her hands in her lap and keeping her eyes lowered before she spoke again.

“I don’t feel the spirits’ presence,” she confessed.

Honeymaren’s brows furrowed. “How long…?”

Elsa shrugged. “I’m not sure…. I didn’t really notice it until River began to calm down. Bruni didn’t come by the goahti like he usually does. And I’ve heard no breeze from Gale all afternoon.”

“So you think it has something to do with River? How she….” When she failed to conjure the right words, Honeymaren clenched her fingers as if to signify a sort of slashing motion.

“I don’t know,” Elsa replied. “But I think it’s all the more reason to go back to Ahotohollan. Find out if there is a connection.”

“Isn’t that what Yelena was worried about in the first place?” she asked. “It’s just an old tale. Even if somehow there is some other spirit, there’s no way to prove it’s River.”

“You are the one who told me about the spirits to begin with. How could you be so certain? We know River is capable of _something_ ,” Elsa pointed out.

“That doesn’t make her this evil to be worried about,” Honeymaren shook her head. “I know the spirits exist. I believe in them. I wasn’t sure to believe the stories about a Fifth Spirit either, if it was really true or not. But….” She shrugged her shoulders and offered a small smile. “Then you came along. And yeah, you turned out to be this powerful, incredible spirit. I mean…. You’re basically a goddess.”

To that, Elsa couldn’t help but blush.

She doubted anyone else saw her that way anymore.

“But you’re more than just that. You’re not just some super being with this higher purpose we’re supposed to revere. You’re also human. You were the queen of Arendelle. You’re a friend. You’re a sister. You’re a mother. You’re m—”

Honeymaren seemed to cut herself off. She was going to say something else. She was what…? Something that started with m? But Honeymaren already said mother. What else could it be? Magic? No, that wasn’t right…not with where Honeymaren seemed to be going. And.... And why was Honeymaren almost blushing? Was she...was she nervous about what she was about to say? As if Elsa was something so much more to her?

Wait….

_Was_ Elsa something more to Honeymaren?

M…. Muh sound, it seemed like….

My…?

But….

Honeymaren’s what…?

And why did she stop herself like that?

Elsa’s eyes fluttered and she was sure her own face was beginning to heat.

Spirits, please finish that sentence!

But all Honeymaren could do was shake her head. “You’re…. You’re Elsa.”

Oh….

That….

That was it.

She was just Elsa.

But….

But the way she said it….

There was still so much warmth.

It felt like there was a meaning behind it.

Almost...some kind of conviction.

What was Honeymaren not saying?

Honeymaren shrugged a shoulder, tilting her head towards it as if she were trying to cover the blush on her cheek. “My point is…. There’s so much more to you. You’re not just this one powerful thing. And…. And I’m pretty fucking lucky to get to realize that every day. So…. So I refuse to believe that, whatever River does or whatever she may be...that that’s all there is to her. Because it’s not. She’s not some old legend. She’s not some monster in the dark. She’s not a question mark. She’s River. She’s our daughter.”

Honeymaren took another pause. She glanced down, eyes falling on Elsa’s hand. Feeling the gaze, Elsa inched her hand closer to Honeymaren. The woman brushed her callous hands over Elsa’s soft, pales ones before gently wrapping her fingers around hers.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is…. Only Ahtohollan knows. And if she wanted to tell us, she would have already,” she explained. “When you first came here, Ahtohollan called you for a reason. You were able to go and find out what it was. She told you. But this time…. Maybe she’s not telling us because there’s nothing for us to know. Or...maybe it just means River’s exactly where she’s meant to be. With us.”

If only it could have been that easy.

What bliss it would be to just give into the temptation that Honeymaren was offering.

Elsa didn’t have to go back to Ahtohollan.

She didn’t have to constantly beg for answers.

She could stay with Honeymaren and River.

She could have her family.

They could continue living as they were.

It didn’t matter what anyone else thought; the three of them were happy together.

Or they could have left Northuldra.

Maybe they could go to Elsa’s ice palace in the North Mountain after all; it wasn’t terribly far that Elsa couldn’t return for her spirit duties when needed.

They could still be a family.

They could still keep River safe. Protected. Loved.

If what Honeymaren was saying was true, it should have been that easy. To just stay. Or for all of them to pack up and leave.

Before she realized it, Elsa found herself leaning into Honeymaren, lightly pressing her lips to hers. She could see it all before her. Spirits, it was such a crystal clear picture. Her…. Honeymaren…. River…. Just the three of them.

But that still wouldn’t be fair.

It was a dream not meant to be.

At least not yet.

Elsa had to know.

Not just for their own benefits; but for River’s.

River deserved to know where she came from.

And if what Honeymaren was saying was true, that she and Elsa really were the best for River, then they should have as much knowledge as possible for her sake. Whether that meant something as simple as her background or something as mystical as some other form. They had to know for her.

Softly pulling back, Elsa pressed her forehead to Honeymaren’s. She kept her gaze downward, unable to meet those beautiful eyes of hers. She knew if she did, she would melt instantly. And she could forget about going to the glacier.

Hell, she could just as easily forget about leaving the damn tree.

But she couldn’t.

“That’s exactly why I have to go. And….”

Elsa hesitated in continuing her response. She focused on the hold Honeymaren’s hand had on hers. How warm it was. How comfortable it was. How safe it felt. How much she wanted to feel like that every day and not question it.

And when she finally allowed herself to look into Honeymaren’s eyes, all Elsa could do was hope that when this was all over; when they had all of the answers; when they could finally move on; when she could know her feelings for certain that maybe, just maybe, that dream she conjured for herself could be a reality.

Not just the daydream she was currently living in.

“And that’s why I should stay there until I know. I’m not leaving without answers this time.”

She tried to hold back any shakiness in her voice. She didn’t want Honeymaren to catch onto any uncertainties. And it pained Elsa to say it because she had no idea how long that could possibly take. If her previous visits were any indication….

No.

She couldn’t think like that.

She had to fight for those answers.

She had to fight for _them_.

“Then let us come with you,” Honeymaren decided. “We’ll fill up tonight and leave in the morning. Maybe that’ll give the spirits a chance to calm down and then Nokk can take us after breakfast.”

Elsa sighed. “No…. This has to be something I do. It’s a spirit thing. I have to be the one to go. We don’t know how Ahotohollan feels about having anyone else there. I’m not putting either of you at risk.”

“Snowflake…” Honeymaren sighed.

“I’ll try to get as many answers as soon as I can,” Elsa promised. “But I’m the only one who can unlock them. I have to go.”

She forced herself to hold onto Honeymaren’s gaze. She expected a fight. There was no way in hell that Honeymaren Nattura would just give in and let Elsa do something on her own. No, it wasn’t exactly reckless; Elsa had been to Ahtohollan plenty of times before. She knew exactly what she was getting into. Still, her track record did speak for itself. Why should Honeymaren let her go alone?

“Ok.”

Elsa blinked.

Did she hear her right?

“Wait, what?”

“Ok,” Honeymaren sighed in defeat. “But you have two days. If you’re not back by nightfall then, we’re coming after you.”

Elsa’s face fell. That was hardly any time. How many visits had Elsa made in the last year alone and came out with no answers? Honeymaren couldn’t possibly expect her to find anything out so suddenly.

“Honey….”

“I know,” she nodded. “But…. But River needs both of us. And…. And I don’t want you gone for too long. So I don’t care what Nokk or Ahtohollan or anyone else thinks. If you’re not back by then we’re gonna find a way to come after you. And whatever you found out, we’ll go from there. We’ll stay here or we’ll leave. We’ll figure it out. But we’re doing it together. Promise me that, Snowflake?”

How could she deny that? With the conviction and emotion Honeymaren spoke with? With the way she was looking at her with those eyes? With the way she called Elsa Snowflake? It was almost like….

Like she was trying to say so much more.

Or maybe that was just Elsa’s desires talking again.

Because she wanted to see so much more than there really was.

“Ok,” she whispered, giving into the temptation. “I promise.”

The ice pillar rose once again. Elsa reluctantly pulled away from Honeymaren. She pushed herself off the branch, her ice sandal clicking against the pillar as she stepped forward. Her back turned towards Honeymaren and Elsa focused ahead towards the direction of the Dark Sea. Two days. She had two days before the rest of her life. She could do this.

With an exhale she started to allow the ice pillar to lower.

Suddenly, she felt tightness around her hand.

The pillar ceased movement and Elsa spun around.

Honeymaren had grabbed her hand.

She was still looking at her with those eyes.

As if she were trying to say so much without words.

Elsa wished she knew what it was.

What the hell was Honeymaren trying to convey to her?

Whether it was desire or pure hope, Elsa leaned forward again. She hovered over Honeymaren, the space lessening steadily between them. How much of that was her own doing and how much of that was Honeymaren pulling her in closer, she had no idea.

But the next thing she knew her lips met with the other woman’s in a passion Elsa hadn’t quite felt from them before. There was a single breath before Honeymaren released Elsa’s hand and wrapped her arms around her waist. Elsa felt her body only partially against hers, her back aching with how much she was arching forward. But Elsa didn’t care. Moving her hands to Honeymaren’s cheeks, she deepened the kiss as if it were the last one they’d share.

Spirits, she hoped it wouldn’t be the last one.

But for now it would be.

Elsa had no idea what was going to come from this next trip to Ahotohollan. She highly doubted it would be a mere two days. But she also didn’t doubt that Honeymaren would find a way to her. And before she lost all her nerve, before she would find herself evidently drained by the experience of the glacier, if Elsa had one chance to reveal her feelings it was going to be in that one kiss.

She could only hope that Honeymaren felt it just as strongly as Elsa did.

And that when this was all over, they could finally be a true family.

I love you, Elsa thought as she pulled away one final time.

\---

_“Are you still reading?”_

_Elsa’s body straightened against the tree as her head jerked up. Her eyes tore from the pages in front of her to see Honeymaren materialize from the goathti._

_“I’m just trying to get some ideas,” Elsa sighed. “Ahtohollan was no help. It was a struggle for Nokk to even bring me there in the first place. I think it senses something. I wasn’t even back for five minutes before Yelena started questioning me….”_

_“It wasn’t about the fish thing, was it? I told her I handled it,” Honeymaren groaned, taking a seat beside Elsa._

_Elsa shook her head. She closed the book and put it on top of the pile. “Maybe I should go back to Arendelle; maybe Mother has a book or journal I missed. Maybe she knew something….”_

_“And maybe,” Honeymaren suggested as she delicately placed her fingers underneath Elsa’s chin and turned her to face her, “you are not giving yourself enough credit for everything you are doing. Maybe you need a break.”_

Ahtohollan was not helping.

Elsa already lost track of how long she’d been in the glacier for.

With every memory she tried to conjure, every instance she relived, and every snow sculpture she came in contact with, nothing new about River came up.

Instead Elsa only found herself lost in memories of her and Honeymaren.

It was wrong to allow herself to get so easily wrapped in them. And she knew it was selfish. She came to search for answers about her daughter and all she found herself focusing on was her….

What the hell was Honeymaren even to her?

They weren’t partners.

They weren’t together.

They were co-parents.

They were friends.

They just….

Sometimes felt like so much more.

And it was wrong of Elsa to want that.

She uprooted their lives so much already.

She wanted so badly for something good to come from it.

She wanted what she thought she saw to be real.

And as much as Elsa tried to pry her gaze away from the memory, try to think about River, try to push Honeymaren from her mind, all she could do was stare at the snow figure of her.

Even if the features were only a fraction of the warmth, light, beauty and strength that was Honeymaren Nattura, Elsa could still see all of that and more. And so she found herself lost in the comfort and familiarity that was Snow Honeymaren. The memory continued to play out.

_“We can’t afford a break, Maren,” Elsa sighed. “If Yelena gave you even a fraction of the lecture she gave me….”_

_“It was just fish. We found something else. It’s not like anyone went hungry. And it’s a canoe. It can be replaced. River can’t,” Honeymaren replied calmly._

_“They already think the worst of her,” Elsa stated solemnly. She turned her head, pulling it out from Honeymaren’s gentle grasp. “And if they actually saw her again….”_

_“We have no proof that anyone saw her the last time besides Ryder. And you know he didn’t tell a soul,” Honeymaren said._

_Elsa couldn’t bear to meet those eyes again. Sighing, she closed her eyes and tightened her grip on the book in her lap. “I just feel like I’m ruining everything,” she confessed softly. “Bringing River here, keeping her against everyone’s wishes, not being able to prove she’s not dangerous, dragging you into this….”_

_“That was my choice. And I’d go back and do it again if I had to,” Honeymaren promised. “And you didn’t ruin anything. You never did. You’re doing everything you can. And until we get the answers, if we do, we’ll protect her. Just like we always have. You are_ not _letting anyone down. And you’re not doing this alone. We’re in this together, Elsa. We’ll continue to do this together.”_

_Elsa managed to turn her head to meet Honeymaren’s eyes. There was a pause as the two of them realized just how close they were. Honeymaren inched in closer, as if she were trying to say something more. Her lips parted, barely whispering ‘I promise’. In the same second, Elsa found her free hand moving upwards, resting softly on Honeymaren’s cheek. Her grip on the book loosened and all she could do was focus on the woman in front of her._

_Then Honeymaren filled the remaining space between them and kissed Elsa passionately. Elsa shifted her body so it was primarily up against Honeymaren and the book slid off her lap, discarded from sight and mind. The only thought, the only thing, the only person, that consumed Elsa’s mind was Honeymaren._

Elsa cupped her hands over her heart, nails digging deep into her skin as she watched the scene finish before her. She could feel herself becoming swallowed by Honeymaren again. She felt her body up against hers. She felt the protection. She felt the safety. She felt the comfort. She felt….

No.

No, it wouldn’t be that.

Honeymaren must have only been caught up in the moment.

Trying so hard to make Elsa feel better.

And she succeeded.

Hell, she did more than succeed.

Shaking her head, Elsa turned away. She could feel the snow from the memory behind her flurrying away. Keeping her hands and arms clutched close to her, she forced her eyes to dart around the cavern. Focus, Elsa, focus, she thought, you’re here for River.

She had to get Honeymaren out of her head.

She had to keep thinking of what could be.

Of what she hoped would be.

Find answers about River.

That’s what she was there for.

_“What happened to you??”_

Elsa heard her own voice echo. It was another memory; a bit further back this time. Spinning around, her eyes darted through the mist until she came across her and Honeymaren’s figures. They were crouched down; the faint images in the background implied they were in the goahti; and near them was a small curled up figure. Though the simplicity from the snow sculptures implied that it was indeed human — likely River — there were tiny implications that could have signified otherwise. Some callous bumps across her back. Her arms wrapped around her; sharp nails digging into her skin. And something sticking out that could have only resembled a tail. Elsa moved to get a better view, taking into view how Honeymaren was gripping her hand and Elsa was inspecting it.

Oh….

That was when….

_“I’m fine,” Honeymaren shook her head. “It’s just a scratch.”_

_“That’s not just a scratch. It….” Elsa’s breath was caught in her throat. Her head jerked towards River and she let out a few heavy breaths. With wide eyes, she turned back to face Honeymaren. “It…. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t mean it. Something must have set her off…”_

_“I know,” Honeymaren interrupted a bit too quickly. Letting out the faintest huff, she kept herself calm before nodding and repeating, “I know.”_

_There was a pause._

_Elsa moved her hands, as if she were about to inspect Honeymaren’s wound further. But she retreated instead, questioning if it was even the right thing. “Um…. May I…?”_

_With a single nod, Honeymaren offered her hand to Elsa. As she removed her grip from it, Elsa carefully cupped her hands around Honeymaren’s. Frosty air began to form around them. Elsa focused her powers on the gash, attempting to use her powers in a way so Honeymaren could heal. The other woman flinched at the cold, but didn’t retreat. Elsa visibly attempted to keep her powers in check as she cautiously asked her next question._

_“What happened…?”_

_Honeymaren shook her head. “Nigo came with a complaint…. Ryder overheard and came in. He was trying to help but…. Well, Nigo basically told him to fuck off. He pushed him and I got involved. River must’ve gotten frightened and….”_

_“And she lunged,” Elsa finished knowingly._

_“She was aiming for Nigo. Trying to protect me, I bet. Must’ve gotten that from you.” It was a poor attempt at a joke, but Honeymaren managed to grin through the pain. “Anyway, Ryder got Nigo to get the hell out of here. I was trying to keep her under control and….” Her arm tilted slightly, as if to say that was when the wound came about._

_“Did either of them see?” Elsa asked with concern._

_“I think only Ryder. He got Nigo out just before,” she answered. “But it’s fine. Ryder won’t blab.”_

_“I know,” Elsa nodded. “But….”_

_“There’s no buts. Accidents happen,” Honeymaren assured her._

_“Not like this,” Elsa admitted. Realizing what she said, she let out a breath and released Honeymaren’s hand. “No…. Of course it was an accident. She…. She didn’t mean to. She just….”_

_“Snowflake.” Honeymaren placed her good hand on Elsa’s shoulder, briefly snapping her out of it. “We know. We got this.”_

_Elsa’s brows furrowed, temporarily thrown off at the name. “Snowflake…?”_

_“Huh…? Oh….” Honeymaren blinked and then her eyes widened. She removed her hand. “Is…. Is that not ok?”_

_“N...no. It…. It’s not that. It’s just….” Elsa stammered, unable to get any full sentences out. “Why…?”_

_Honeymaren offered her a small smile and shrugged. “Because there’s always little snowflakes around when you do your magic. It’s like your mark. See?” She held her hand out, showing Elsa her wound again. It was now iced over lightly, though towards the center of it there was indeed a mark engraved resembling a snowflake._

_Elsa blinked as she inspected it, not realizing prior to that moment it was something that happened. The only person she was used to seeing the intricacies of her magic was Anna. Knowing that Honeymaren had caught on as well...that she noticed those little things about that...how she spoke about it so matter of factly...like she actually liked it...like she liked_ her _somehow…._

_“I’m sorry,” Elsa blurted out as a force of habit. “I can_ _—_ _”_

_“Don’t,” Honeymaren cut her off. “I like it. And I like…. Having it.”_

It sounded like there was so much more Honeymaren meant to say. Like there was more she _wanted_ to say. The way her eyes darted away briefly. The way she hesitated when she spoke. The way the faintest color covered her cheeks.

No, it wasn’t visible on the sculpture.

But, admittedly, Elsa did recall something. At the time, back in that moment, she believed it only to be Honeymaren’s freckles. But thinking back to it now….

What could have made Honeymaren nervous?

Elsa glanced down at her hands and then back to the sculptures. She took notice of how Snow Elsa carefully ran her fingertips across Honeymaren’s wound. The other didn’t flinch at all. She just seemed...so relaxed in Elsa’s presence. Even after what happened that day.

How could she have been so calm and accepting when that happened? When River obviously picked up on the negative emotions? On the potential danger? And she just….

It was so much easier when she was younger. There would be a reason for one of them to stay with her; to keep her away from everyone. No, that was no way to grow up. Elsa was determined to let River have as normal a childhood as possible. She wasn’t going to allow her to be locked up the way she was. But even Elsa would admit; it was safest for River that way. They were able to keep their distance. The first time they had left, they were met with stares, but no one reacted immediately. It wasn’t until someone thought they saw something and automatically all fingers pointed to River.

To be able to go back to those simpler times….

_“Where the north wind meets the sea….”_

Elsa’s brows furrowed.

That song….

_“There’s a river full of memory….”_

She turned her head to see a new memory forming before her. Ahtohollan took her back further this time, back to when River couldn’t have been more than a year old. She was cradled in Elsa’s arms and the blonde was singing softly to her. Honeymaren sat beside her, leaning in to move her finger up and down the bridge of River’s nose in an attempt to make her sleepy. River reached up tiredly, seeming to paw at Honeymaren’s hand with hers. Nothing other than that playful action could have possibly implied that something more than an innocent child was in their presence. But then again, River was always a bit playful. Elsa had Honeymaren to thank for that, she supposed. With her there was always laughter and protection. There was never a need for River to worry or be scared. Perhaps it was no wonder that Elsa refused to believe there could have been something so sinister running through River’s veins.

Not when she had beautiful memories like that.

_“Dive down deep into her sound….”_

_Elsa’s and Honeymaren’s voices joined at the last line._

_“But not too far or you’ll be drowned.”_

_River’s hand fluttered down, falling comfortably into Honeymaren’s grasp. Honeymaren gripped the tiny hand gently, caressing it with her finger. She then brought it to her lips and placed a kiss on it. She tilted their hands in Elsa’s direction, to which the blonde responded by kissing River’s. When she did so and leaned forward, she didn’t realize how much closer she’d gotten to Honeymaren in the process. It was almost instinctive after that, that when she lifted her head she placed a chaste kiss to Honeymaren’s lips._

_As soon as she did that Elsa’s eyes widened. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. If anything, they were huffed stammers at best. Turning her head, Elsa focused her attention on River as she prepared to lie back and force herself to sleep with the child in her arms. But she was stopped when Honeymaren moved her hand to Elsa’s shoulder. Even though this particular memory was silent save for the song, Elsa could still hear the faintest whisper from the brunette’s lips._

_The way her name left them so lightly and seamlessly._

_The way it just flowed naturally off her tongue._

_The sweet tone to match her name._

_The way Honeymaren whispered ‘good night’ before returning the kiss._

And as the memory faded Elsa could recall every night since then.

It would be the same ritual.

River would climb into Elsa’s arms.

Elsa would start singing to her.

Honeymaren would do little movements or motions to tire River.

They’d eventually end up singing together.

Honeymaren would kiss River’s hand.

Then Elsa would.

And, finally, the two of them would share a kiss.

And then they’d fall asleep silently next to each other.

Elsa would cling onto her heart at the memory if she could.

That was what she wanted so desperately to hold on to.

That was how they fell asleep every night since.

That was the moment where they felt like a real family.

That was all Elsa wanted for the rest of her life.

_“May I come in?”_

And all because of the first night.

Elsa watched as Honeymaren entered Elsa’s goahti. Or rather, what used to be Elsa’s goahti. There was Elsa, sitting on the furs of her bed cradling baby River in her arms. It was shortly after they brought her to the encampment. Right after….

Elsa hadn’t expected anyone to follow her. Especially after the argument she had with Yelena. Yet there was Honeymaren, approaching Elsa and taking a seat in front of her. Elsa hesitated to move in closer as she relived the moment all over again.

_“How is she?”_

_Elsa’s brows furrowed at the simplicity of Honeymaren’s question. Her eyes briefly darted behind her, as if to see if anything appeared out of place. “She’s just tired,” she answered curtly._

_As a few babbling sounds escaped the baby, Elsa bounced her lightly in her arms. Her grip tightened slightly, as if to silently let the child know she was safe. But she could feel Honeymaren’s unrelenting gaze on her. A silence followed._

_“And you…?”_

_Elsa blinked. Her darted shifted back to Honeymaren and she saw those warm eyes focusing on Elsa’s arm. Realizing that she had a visible scratch, Elsa pulled in her lips. It had barely been an hour since she took the baby into her goahti and already there was evidence that something happened._

_“I’m fine,” Elsa answered a bit colder than intended._

_Honeymaren only shook her head. “Elsa, I’m not asking as a Northuldra. I’m asking as your friend.”_

_Elsa paused. “Yelena didn’t send you?”_

_“The opposite, actually,” Honeymaren confessed with a shrug of her shoulders._

_To that, Elsa raised an eyebrow._

_“It doesn’t matter,” Honeymaren added quickly._

_“No…. It does.” Elsa shifted her body so she faced Honeymaren fully. She tilted her head and stared at her friend, puzzled. “Maren…. What did you do…?”_

_It was Honeymaren’s turn to pause. She pulled in her lips and clenched her fists on her lap before responding. “I’m here as your friend. And as your friend…. I can’t let you do this alone.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Elsa asked._

_“What you said to Yelena…. I get it. I know what it feels like to be trapped. Not…. Not the same way, obviously. But…. But you’re right. It’s not fair to her. She doesn’t have to grow up like that. And if you’re not gonna let her then I’m not either,” she explained._

_“I don’t understand…” Elsa replied. “Shouldn’t you…? Aren’t you…? What if…?”_

_She couldn’t seem to get any of her questions out. Yet there was absolutely no confusion or hesitation on Honeymaren’s part._

_“I should. I am. And….” She finished with another shrug of her shoulders. “But if you say she’s fine. If you believe this. If you’re doing this. Then I trust you. And I’ve got your back. I won’t let anything happen to her.”_

_“But the….” Elsa started a bit too loudly. The baby squeaked in her arms, causing Elsa to pause to calm her down. Once she started drifting off again, Elsa let out a sigh of relief. She refocused on Honeymaren, making sure to keep her voice lower this time. “But the Northuldra need you.”_

_“But my friend needs me more,” Honeymaren replied. “And if everyone else wants to turn away a helpless baby just because of some...some fear or superstition or whatever...those aren’t the people I want to be a part of. She’s lost and alone and scared. But she doesn’t have to be. Besides,” she offered a light smirk, “what kind of person would I be if I defied the Fifth Spirit?”_

_Elsa pursed her lips. She brought her eyes back down to the baby. “The Fifth Spirit who doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing,” she confessed quietly._

_“So let me help,” Honeymaren offered, leaning forward. “It’s not like any new mom knows what they’re doing anyway. So…. We can figure it out together.”_

_Elsa blinked. “T...two mothers…?”_

_Honeymaren scoffed playfully. “It’s not like it’s unheard of. And anyway, what does it matter as long as she has two parents? Two is always better than one, right?”_

Oh, how naive Elsa had been back then. She mentally scolded herself watching the scene play back. Of course nothing else should have mattered. Of course a child could have two mothers. Of course…. Of course deep down, that’s what Elsa one day hoped for. To not have to have a man by her side. Just….

Just someone who she cared about.

Who cared about her.

Who trusted her.

Who wanted a life with her.

_“But only if you’ll have me.”_

If she’d have her.

When Honeymaren literally had just given up everything.

Not even knowing what Elsa’s response was going to be.

Just throwing caution to the wind and putting unquestionable faith in Elsa.

To thrust herself into parenthood of a child she just met.

Not even just met — one who she shouldn’t have anything to do with.

One that the rest of her people were already shunning and fearful of.

She was willing to, without a second thought, give up her life and future.

All for Elsa and a baby.

_Elsa took another look at the baby, who was now sound asleep in her arms._

_“You’re not…. Afraid of her?”_

_“Afraid, no. Nervous, hell yeah,” Honeymaren admitted. “Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be?”_

_“But what about…?” Elsa pulled in her lips. She glanced briefly towards the scratch on her arm and then at a broken piece of pottery behind her._

_Honeymaren must have noticed that as well, because she kept her voice perfectly level as she responded. “Hey. She’s just a baby. And if you say she’s not dangerous then I believe you.”_

_She spoke with such sincerity…. There was no hesitation in her voice…. There was no judgment in her eyes…. And when she gave her signature smile, Elsa realized she had no chance. Honeymaren had all but knowingly sealed her fate in Elsa’s heart._

_“I…. I could use some help naming her…” Elsa confessed shyly._

_“You make it sound like there’s some trick to it,” Honeymaren chuckled. She scooted closer, making it easier to get a better look at the baby. “You just...go with your gut feeling. What does she look like? What do you want for her? What message do you want her to have?”_

_“My mother,” Elsa couldn’t help but answer effortlessly. Even if the thought of her children never crossed her mind personally, she knew once she discovered her place as the Fifth Spirit that she had to honor her mother and her history. Iduna had to hide herself for so long. She was never able to fully share herself with her family. Elsa lived through hiding herself for so long, unaware her mother had to go through the same thing. She wasn’t going to let such a curse affect another innocent soul. But how to convey that to someone so young?_

_Then, with an exhale she couldn’t help but begin to sing the lullaby Iduna had taught her so long ago._

_“Where the north wind meets the sea_

_There’s a river full of memory_

_Sleep, my darling, safe and sound_

_For in this river all is found_

_In her waters deep and true_

_Lie the answers and a path for you_

_Dive down deep into her sound_

_But not too far or you’ll be drowned”_

_Almost effortlessly, Honeymaren joined in singing the next verse. All the while the baby only seemed more at ease. As if having both of them surrounding her, their voices filling the air around her, singing with so much purity and warmth, was exactly what she needed. If Elsa had been giving her a portion of that in only the last hour, then Elsa and Honeymaren together were increasing it tenfold. And even in sleep, she couldn’t have looked happier or more at home than with the two of them beside her._

_“She will sing to those who hear_

_And in her song all magic flows_

_Can you brave what you most fear?_

_Can you face what the river knows?”_

_It wasn’t just the song that Iduna had sung to Anna and Elsa all those years ago._

_It was the song that brought Elsa and Honeymaren together._

_It was the first time Elsa felt so accepted by someone._

_It was the first time she had a real semblance of home._

_It was what tied everything together for Elsa._

_Her childhood._

_Her home._

_Ahtohollan._

_Honeymaren._

_“River.”_

_“Hm?” Honeymaren inquired softly._

_“Her name,” Elsa decided with a smile. “It’s River.”_

River Nattura, Elsa reminded herself.

That’s whom she was fighting for.

Elsa turned around, staring at the entry with authority. Her ice sandal clicked against the floor, sending an echo throughout the cavern.

Please wait a little longer, she thought, don’t come yet.

Finally, it felt like she was actually getting closer to finding her answer.

She just had to keep looking.

And this time, Elsa was not going to leave in defeat.

Lowering her brows, she constricted her fingers. She focused on the ice in the air around her. The mist was long gone now, but she was going to bring it back. She was going to use it to form new memories. And she was not going to let anything hold her back one moment more. She began swaying her arms, pulling the icy air around her. It swerved back and forth, consuming her and as much as the empty space around her as it possibly could. Elsa gathered all of her strength possible to bring out as many memories as possible. Then, finally, she spoke with as much grit and authority as she could muster.

She faced what the river knew time and time again. And though it had yet to tell her what she needed, she was not going to let it control her again. For her River, she would face this river countless times over.

“Show me.”

\---

Elsa had certainly lost track of all time in Ahtohollan by now.

And she lost count of how many memories she’d already gone through.

No longer was she wasting her time walking through each memory that appeared, hoping it would steadily take her back in time to where she needed to go.

If the first scene was not what she was looking for, she took control of the ice around her once again. It wasn’t quite like hitting a replay button as much as it was restarting a game, trying over and over again to defeat the opponent and move on.

And right now, Ahtohollan was proving to be quite the adversary.

_“Ok, time for bed.”_

_“No.”_

_It was such a simple protest from an almost four-year-old. But River just seemed too enticed with her doll riding on top of Bruni to care about bedtime._

_“River,” Elsa folded her arms, “bed. Now.”_

_“Nope.”_

_Honeymaren shrugged. “Ok. Fine, then. No songs or bedtime stories for you tonight.”_

_River gasped and immediately sat up. “No!” she wailed. “Story time!”_

_“You want a story tonight?” Honeymaren asked._

_“Uh-huh,” she nodded. “With magics.”_

_Honeymaren pursed her lips. “I don’t know….” She raised an eyebrow in Elsa’s direction. “What do you think, Snowflake? Does she deserve a story with magic tonight?”_

_“Maybe if she knew the magic word,” Elsa pondered aloud, going along with Honeymaren’s playful tone._

_“Uuuuuhhhh…. Mmmmmm….” River scrunched her nose in thought. It looked like it was right on the tip of her tongue._

_While Bruni cocked his head in curiosity, Elsa and Honeymaren waited patiently for the little one to figure out the answer._

_“Uuuuummmm…. Puh…. Pwease?” she managed._

_“Close enough,” Honeymaren decided. She leaned down and scooped River in her arms. While she took her over to the bed and sat her down in her lap, Bruni tapped his tiny feet happily and scurried over to Elsa. The blonde knelt down and offered him her hand. The salamander responded by jumping onto it and crawling up Elsa’s arm before resting on her shoulder, beneath her loose hair._

_“What story would you like tonight, love?” Elsa asked._

_“Pwincess story. A fancy one!” River decided._

_“You’re really making me work tonight, aren’t you River?” Honeymaren chuckled._

_“Just follow my magic, Honey,” Elsa said. After all, she had plenty of practice using her magic with Anna to create many a fantasy story when they were little. Flicking her wrist, sprinkles of ice began to flow from it until they blew in front of them, creating a snow sculpture of a princess._

_“Once upon a time there was a princess…” Honeymaren started simply._

_“No!” River huffed in protest._

_“No?” Honeymaren blinked._

_“Make it look like Mommy!” she insisted._

_“Oh no…” Honeymaren shook her head. “No, no, no, I’m definitely_ not _a princess.”_

_Elsa couldn’t help but smirk. “Are you sure about that?”_

_“Snowflake…? What are you doing…?” Honeymaren questioned as Elsa began to change the appearance of the snow princess in front of them to better resemble Honeymaren. “Oh come on!”_

_“More sparklies!”_

_“No! No more sparkles!”_

_“The child has spoken! Mommy gets all of the sparkles!”_

_“Elsa!”_

No.

Adorable.

But no.

She wasn’t far back enough yet.

That told her absolutely nothing.

The snow figures flurried away and were replaced with mist. Elsa swerved it back and forth until she commanded it to cease, causing a new memory to appear before her.

_“Hehehehehe!”_

_“River, get down from there!”_

_The five-year-old didn’t listen. She continued to leap from branch to branch, climbing higher and higher._

_Not that it was particularly high, but for a child she might as well have been on top of the North Mountain._

_“River, don’t make me come after you!”_

_“I can do it, Mommy!”_

_“I know you can but I’d feel a lot better if I was up there with you!”_

_River paused. She stopped on one of the branches and glanced down to Honeymaren._

_“River, we have work to do. Come down now.”_

_The child pouted. She glanced upward again, and then down at Honeymaren. She must have taken in the anger on her mother’s face because, after a groan, she reluctantly began to climb down._

_“Be careful!” Honeymaren urged. She swerved back and forth a bit, monitoring her daughter’s every movement in case she slipped._

_But River was doing surprisingly well._

_It had to have been because of all the practicing with Honeymaren before. That woman was a natural with scaling trees and there was no doubt that River picked it up from her._

_At least, she was doing well until she reached one of the lower branches. She was only a few above Honeymaren, just out of the woman’s reach. River lowered herself onto the next branch only to lose her footing. She quickly regained it, but not in enough time. Her boot slipped off of her foot and fell down, slamming into something beneath her. The objects collided with a smash and the object broke into pieces._

_“River!” Honeymaren gasped._

_“I sorry!” the child gasped._

_Honeymaren let out a breath, but quickly shook her head. “It…. It doesn’t matter. Down. Now.”_

_River obeyed and finished scaling the rest of the way. Once she was safely in Honeymaren’s grasp, the woman held her close and River regretfully met her eyes._

_“I sorry,” she apologized again._

_Honeymaren sighed. “It’s ok. You’re fine. Just….” She shook her head, obviously trying to prevent herself from becoming too angry with her. “Just don’t do that without me again, ok?”_

_River nodded._

_“But you didn’t listen this time and you did break something. So it’s time out for you. Five minutes, ok?” Honeymaren lifted her head, “Gale?”_

_The wind spirit responded with a whistle. Leaves floating in the breeze flew past Honeymaren and circled around River’s head before stopping in front of them completely._

_“I have to take care of this. Watch River for five minutes? Please? Don’t let her do anything.”_

_Swirling around River Gale took the child in her hold, which allowed Honeymaren to let her go completely._

_“Mommy….” River sniffed._

_Honeymaren knelt down to the broken item and removed River’s boot. She carefully wiped off any broken residue before slipping it back on her daughter’s bare foot. “It’s fine. I’ll take care of it. Just stay with Gale, ok?” she promised with a small smile._

_With that, Gale took off with River and left Honeymaren to the destroyed pottery. Honeymaren sat back down and gathered the broken pieces, if only for a minute before being met with an angry, “HONEYMAREN!”_

_“Oh shit,” she muttered._

Again.

The memory disappeared and a new one slowly began to take over.

_“Mommy…?”_

_Elsa and Honeymaren tore their gazes away from each other. Elsa let go of Honeymaren’s wounded hand and approached a sleepy River. The child sat up and rubbed her eye._

_“Hi, love,” Elsa greeted softly. “Did you have a good nap?”_

_A quiet groan escaped River’s lips._

_Elsa picked her up and held her in her arms, discreetly attempting to examine the child. Everything appeared normal. Smooth skin; no cuts or bruises; no tail…. She looked like every other child._

_“Mama?”_

_Elsa shook her head. “Just making sure you’re ok. Come on, let’s go see Mommy.” She carried her over to Honeymaren._

_“Welcome to the world, Sleeping Beauty,” Honeymaren teased._

_River groaned again and rubbed her other eye._

_Elsa sat next to Honeymaren and situated River in her lap. She gently ran her fingers through River’s thick locks, attempting to fix the bedhead._

_Suddenly a gasp was heard from the child._

_“Mommy, you ok?”_

_Elsa’s head shot towards Honeymaren. The brunette blinked and looked down at her hand, which Elsa had just iced over._

_“Oh…. It…. It’s just a scratch. I’m fine,” she lied._

_“Why?” River asked with wide eyes._

_Elsa pulled in her lips and briefly exchanged a glance with Honeymaren. Neither of them would dare tell River what happened._

_That she was the one who accidentally hurt Honeymaren in a blinding rage._

_There was no need to concern her when it was an accident._

_Nor to make her feel guilty._

_She didn’t need to know._

_“Mommy has to act so tough, doesn’t she?” Elsa asked River._

_The child blinked and looked up to her mother curiously. She then glanced at Honeymaren, who otherwise seemed to be completely fine._

_“Doesn’t it huwt?” she cocked her head._

_Honeymaren scoffed. “No.”_

_River focused back on Elsa. “Mama should kiss it! Like wit me.”_

_“Oh….” Elsa tried and failed to conceal the blush forming on her cheeks. “I...I don’t know if my magic works on Mommy the same way….”_

_“Twy it!” River urged._

_“I…. I don’t know….” Elsa hesitated._

_After all, it wasn’t like Honeymaren would want her to._

_That would be so awkward, wouldn’t it?_

_“I…. I mean, I’m fine, but….” Honeymaren pursed her lips but kept her gaze anywhere but Elsa. “If...if you wanted to...to try…. I guess….”_

_If she wanted to try?_

_If she wanted to feel Honeymaren’s skin against hers?_

_If she wanted to get any closer to Honeymaren?_

_“Yeah!” River smiled widely. “Like dis!” She reached forward and took Honeymaren’s hurt hand in hers. She placed a kiss on top of where Elsa iced it over, and then offered Honeymaren’s hand to Elsa. “Twy it, Mama!”_

_Elsa paused. She allowed her eyes to fall on Honeymaren ever so briefly. After all it wasn’t like they haven’t…._

_But Honeymaren could barely look her way, either._

_It was totally awkward, wasn’t it?_

_But with River’s hopeful face, how could either of them deny her?_

_Shyly, Elsa leaned forward and placed a light kiss on Honeymaren’s hand. She then turned her head away, unable to bring herself to watch the other woman’s reaction._

_Then, after a minute, a quiet response came from Honeymaren and it brought the warmest smile and feeling to Elsa._

_“I...I think I do feel better now.”_

Again.

_“Happy Birthday, River!”_

_“Are you seriously still trying to get her on chocolate?”_

_“Oh come on, Honey, she deserves a treat.”_

_“You come on, Snowflake!”_

_River clapped and giggled at the banter between her mothers._

Again.

_“See River? Watch how I climb.”_

_“Honeymaren, be careful!”_

_“She’s almost old enough to try with me.”_

_“Maren…”_

_One wrong move caused Honeymaren to lose her grasp. She slipped and fell from the tree._

_Luckily, Elsa acted quickly and created a pile of snow for her friend to land in. With River in one arm, Elsa covered her mouth with her free hand. She attempted to hold back giggles as Honeymaren sat up with a face full of snow._

_“Really, Elsa?”_

Again.

_“River?”_

_“River!”_

_“River!”_

_After a few moments, the giggling child popped out of a pile of snow._

_“Hewe I am!”_

Again.

_“One…. Two...thwee…. Five…”_

_“River, you missed a number.”_

_The toddler blinked._

_She twisted her lips and scrunched her nose in thought, as if to figure out what she was missing._

_“Uh…. Five?”_

Again.

_“AAAAAAAGH!”_

_A hiccup._

_“AAAAAAA!”_

_“What was that?”_

_“What was what?”_

_“I thought I heard something…. Someone crying.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“This way!”_

Again.

Wait….

No, not again!

Go back, go back!

Elsa attempted to bring the last memory back, or at least something relatively close to it.

While Elsa was unable to return to the exact moment when she and Honeymaren found River, she had gotten surprisingly close. And it was exactly to the point she was hoping for.

Thank the spirits it finally paid off!

Elsa took in the forming memory before her. She was in the healer’s goahti. The healer was inspecting a baby River. Elsa stood a bit closer than was perhaps allowed, fingers interlaced together closed to her chest. Honeymaren stood a bit behind her while Yelena hovered near the entrance. The leader had her arms folded, face stoic as usual. Elsa held in a breath. Was this real? Was she actually about to see exactly what she needed to play out?

Time and time again she tried to get to this exact moment, hoping that if she replayed everything she would be able to pick up on something she missed in the original moment. Some instances she came close, but ultimately was only given bits and pieces. Nothing was good enough. There was not enough evidence to prove her case. But this time, at long last, just maybe! She could find exactly what she was looking for.

Elsa did her best to study everything as carefully as she could. This could be her only chance. She couldn’t mess this up.

_At first the examination of River seemed to be going all right. There had been doubt in the beginning; a question as to why a baby would be left in the forest alone. But Elsa was determined to make sure she was healthy._

_There was silence and minimal movement, save for the healer as the memory continued._

_Suddenly, the healer began to shiver. Elsa couldn’t quite tell what happened; only that he suddenly flinched and jerked back. “The spirits are strong in this one,” the elder spoke._

_Elsa’s brows furrowed. “Wha…? What does that mean?”_

_Yelena blinked. She stepped forward. “Állan, you don’t think…?”_

_“Spirit,” Állan quickly turned to Elsa with a questioning look, “where did you find this?”_

_“Excuse me…?” Elsa asked, taken aback by the suddenness. “‘This’?”_

_“We were coming back from the Lychen Meadow,” Honeymaren answered for her. “One of the Earth Giants wasn’t too far from there.”_

_“How did the Earth Giant seem?” he asked._

_“A bit nervous,” Elsa explained. “We believe something threw it off, and it was a bit spooked. That was why I had Honeymaren come with me, in case there was anything potentially threatening. I thought it would be best to have a strong warrior join me; that she would ultimately help strengthen the bond between humans and spirits.”_

_Elsa would have spoken more eloquently and in much more detail had she not been so thrown off. There was a sense of hostility in the healer’s voice for some reason. And Yelena’s presence was certainly no help._

_Hand shaking slightly, Állan pointed to the baby, “We can’t have that here. It has to go. Now!”_

_“What?” Elsa’s eyes widened._

_“It’s just a baby. How dangerous could it really be?” Honeymaren asked._

_“Don’t be daft, child,” Yelena scolded. She smacked Honeymaren on the side of her head. “You know full well the stories. Obviously the spirits are warning us that it is more than that.”_

_“What stories?” Elsa asked, confused._

_Yelena held up a finger and stepped forward. “There are old tales, legends if you will, about another spirit. One that disrupts the balance between magic and nature. It embodies itself deep in an innocent soul and leaves it alone for someone unsuspecting to find it. If given the chance to live among us, to grow up close to the spirits, the darkness slowly begins to manifest itself around them. It begins to corrupt the spirits, slowly sending them into chaos before life around them follows and all of the Northuldra crumbles.”_

_“Another spirit…?” Elsa repeated._

_Honeymaren couldn’t help but scoff. “Consider yourself lucky. You got the abridged version.”_

_Yelena narrowed her gaze at Honeymaren. “This is no joke, Honeymaren, and you know it. This is exactly why we keep to ourselves. To our own people. We have no way of knowing where this darkness comes from. We only trust nature. That is the way of our people. If we turn away from that, if we allow ourselves to open up to the possibilities of anything else in this forest….”_

_“But now the mist is lifted,” Elsa interrupted. “How can you stay away from everyone else? How can you know for sure they are dangerous?” She gestured towards the baby. “How can you stand there and think_ she _is dangerous?”_

_Yelena frowned. She glared at Elsa before shifting her body to face the Fifth Spirit completely. “As the Fifth Spirit, I have nothing but respect for you. I speak for all of my people when I tell you that. But know that I am also serious when I say this. You are still a child of Northuldra. You have been apart from us for too long. It is not your place to determine who or what is dangerous.”_

_“I was deemed to be dangerous. My powers hurt my sister. They could have gotten her killed,” Elsa responded. “I was locked away for thirteen years. I couldn’t have anything to do with her over the fear of hurting her again. I had to conceal myself all that time, lock myself away from my parents and my people because of one mistake. It is not fair to put that kind of burden on a child.”_

_“That may be so but we cannot ignore the facts. There is a very real chance that this creature is indeed a threat to us, to our way of life, and to the spirits,” Yelena replied. “And we cannot take that risk. The closer it lives to us the stronger threat it poses.”_

_“She!” Elsa corrected angrily. “She’s a baby! Not a thing.”_

_Yelena appeared unmoved. “Regardless it is a risk we cannot take. If we do not do away with it, then its best bet at survival, as well as ours, is to be kept far away from us. Take it to Arendelle if you must. But it is not allowed to live within our settlement.”_

_Yelena turned and exited the goahti. Elsa stood where she was, taking a few breaths. She turned behind her, glancing to baby River. The healer was now keeping a safe distance from her, as if he truly believed a baby of all things would respond by attacking._

Nothing seemed to change about River in that instance, Elsa noted. There was some shaking, yes, but not any sudden movements or drastic measures that had been done when any fear was brought upon the child she’d come to raise. She waited a moment to see if there would be any hint of something, any confirmation at all, before focusing on the memory again.

_Elsa turned her head towards the entrance again._

_“Elsa,” Honeymaren said softly. She approached her with concern written across her face. “Maybe we should_ _—_ _”_

_“No,” Elsa cut her off stubbornly. “I’m sorry, Maren, but I am not going to let this go.”_

_With authority, Elsa exited the goahti and followed Yelena. “How can you say that for certain?” Elsa demanded of the leader. “How can you just turn your back on an innocent child and not give her a chance?”_

_“Fifth Spirit or not, you will drop the conversation,” Yelena determined. “This affects you just as much as the rest of us. Perhaps not in the same way as the other spirits. But mark my words, Elsa, if you disobey me there will be dire consequences.”_

_“Consequences for what!” she exclaimed. “For…. For protecting a child? For taking her in? For nurturing her and trying to help her? Even if she does have something, whatever magic may be within her, that does not give us the right to turn her away or to...to….” She couldn’t stand to finish the statement._

_Yelena turned her head slightly, just enough to see Elsa from the corner of her eye. “This is not your place to say. We take care of our own. We cannot do that by risking a menace among us.”_

_“And what if it were me that were found instead? Would I have been treated the same?” Elsa questioned._

_“That is not up for discussion nor is that the case. It’s best for you to drop it. Now.” Yelena spoke with authority, strength, and firmness as always. Most people among the Northuldra knew full well that Yelena’s final word was law. No one went up against her._

_Elsa forced herself to straighten her stance. “I am Northuldra. If it were me, what would have stopped you from treating me the same as you are her? You have no proof.”_

_“Nor do you,” Yelena pointed out._

_“She was alone! We can’t just leave her!” Elsa argued. “Even if we brought her back to Arendelle there’s no guarantee that she will be taken care of. We don’t know if someone will take her in or what will become of her. We can’t turn her away the way I was.”_

_“You are taking this too personally,” Yelena commented, unmoving._

_“We don’t know….”_

_“And we are not about to risk our people. You are the Fifth Spirit. You should understand this better than anyone,” Yelena scolded._

_“And I also understand better than anyone that just because someone has powers or magic does not make them dangerous!” Elsa argued. “What are we supposed to do, Yelena? We cannot turn her away. Maybe if she was given what I was not. No isolation. No fear. Just acceptance and a reassuring home and family. No reason to hide who she is. A chance to learn about her powers and herself, to manifest them and grow and control them then maybe….”_

_“Then maybe that is why Arendelle is best for her,” Yelena cut her off. “If it is truly a home and family this thing desires then there is no place for it here. No one will accept it under these circumstances. Not with this possibility.”_

_The leader turned and began walking away._

A faint crying could be heard in the background. Elsa recognized the sound, though she didn’t respond. There was nothing she could have done to change the memory. And even so, she had to see where this ended. If she didn’t see it through, if she allowed herself to get too distracted, if she let her mind wander, she may lose it. And another chance like this would never come.

_Elsa clenched her fists beside her._

_No._

_She was not going to stop fighting._

_Elsa didn’t have a chance when she was younger._

_This little girl did._

_She was not going to let that slip by._

_“I would.”_

_Yelena stopped in her tracks. Her eyes widened as if she had just been stabbed in the back._

_Slowly, she turned her body to face Elsa fully again._

_“Are you really suggesting_ _—_ _”_

_“She needs someone,” Elsa answered defiantly, not giving Yelena the chance to respond._

_Yelena narrowed her gaze. It didn’t seem possible for the woman to appear more pissed than she usually was. But sure enough, there was that look. It was a look of pure disappointment. And it only seemed to get worse as she approached Elsa once more._

_“You are the Fifth Spirit.”_

_“Then maybe that means I am her best bet.”_

_“You do not understand what a risk this is for you as well.”_

_“She’s worth it.”_

_“You say this not knowing how it will affect you.”_

_“You said it will not hinder me the same as the others.”_

_“That may be true, but it will still take its toll.”_

_“I took a risk by drowning in Ahtohollan to find out what my grandfather did. I risked losing everything. I left my sister behind, Yelena. Nothing was a bigger risk than that. But I took it. I took it for her. I took it because of her. Because I love her, because I care about my people_ — _both Arendelle and Northuldra. Because I did what I had to do. What makes this child any different? What makes her not worth it to you?”_

_“You have a delicate place in this world, Elsa. You are the bridge between us and nature. That is your place. If you form any attachments, any bonds, it will cloud your judgment. A bias will be created. The bridge will begin to crumble and you may lose your connection to the spirits,” Yelena stated simply._

_“And what about Anna?” she pointed out._

_“Your sister is the other half of the bridge. Of course you should be attached to her, you nitwit.”_

Admittedly, looking back on the memory, the name-calling wasn’t necessary then and it certainly wasn’t necessary now.

_“Mark my words, Elsa. The creature is not of Northuldra. There is something inside of it. And if you choose to take it in, if you choose to allow that thing to walk among us, then it is not only us you are putting in jeopardy. You will lose your place among us. Whether you are the Fifth Spirit or not, these people will never be able to trust you again knowing what you are doing. You may still have little respect as the Fifth Spirit. But as a Northuldra, as another human? You will surely be outcast. All you will be is a spirit. We can hope you will continue to maintain balance. But aside from that? It will be no different from your isolation as a child. Are you truly willing to go through that again on the mere belief that there is but a chance this thing does not pose a threat?”_

Elsa watched as her head tilted down. She remembered how she felt at hearing Yelena’s words. It wasn’t just another rejection. She faced that as a child already from her family, because of her magic. No, perhaps they didn’t mean to. Of course they were only going off of what they were told. They, too, had been following nothing more than a belief.

But this was no longer just her. This was a child. A baby. She had no voice. She had no understanding of what was happening.

Perhaps all Elsa wanted to follow was a belief herself. That if she could give someone what she was not, then things could change. The same mistakes did not have to be repeated. And maybe, just maybe, this talk of another spirit was a myth. Surely not every human born with some kind of magic within them was deemed to be dangerous.

If anyone could uncover that mystery, if anyone could make that change, and if anyone could understand another being with such abilities, it was Elsa.

Maybe Anna could come close. Even after learning about Elsa’s magic again, Anna never looked at her differently. There was no fear. There had only ever been love. If there really were a place for this child in Arendelle, it would only be with Anna.

But Elsa was not going to put that burden on her sister. She didn’t do it, and if she had to go back and repeat everything, she would surely decide against it again.

It was not Anna’s place to raise a child of magic. Of myth. Of mystery.

The best bet was Elsa.

And, recalling that, the same fire was ignited in her as it was that day.

_“I won’t be alone this time,” she answered simply._

_Not allowing Yelena another chance to argue, Elsa returned to the goahti. She walked past Honeymaren and failed to give the healer so much as a sideways glance. Elsa approached the crying baby, who had begun to shake vigorously. Elsa carefully scooped her up in her arms and rubbed her back in an attempt to soothe her. Her skin was not as smooth as a baby’s should be nor was it warm. But Elsa paid no mind to it as she left and made her way back home._

In the distance from that memory, Elsa could see her ice goahti. The one that, at some point, had only been hers. Back then it was still within the encampment. It wasn’t spaced out like hers was now. Nor was it any combination of a traditional goahti and her ice magic. That was all ice.

Taking in a breath, Elsa prepared to step forward and see where Ahtohollan would take her next.

_“Yelena.”_

Elsa blinked.

That was Honeymaren’s voice.

Lips parting, Elsa spun back to the two women. Her ice goahti was still opaque in the background, not completely out of sight or mind. Her primary focus, however, was on Honeymaren and Yelena.

_Honeymaren had just exited the healer’s goahti and approached the leader. She appeared a bit standoffish at first. She kept her back straight, her gaze forward, and her hands behind her back. No doubt she was attempting to approach this as diplomatically as possible, however there appeared to be some unspoken hesitancy about her._

_Yelena sighed heavily. “What is it now, Honeymaren?”_

_Honeymaren blinked. She pulled in her lips. The hesitancy remained, as if she was unsure if she was even making the right move._

The right move.

The one that would ultimately change the course of her life.

After all, it couldn’t have been more than an hour before Honeymaren’s arrival at Elsa’s goahti.

Elsa lost count of how many times she asked Honeymaren about it; how often she had brought it up. And every time Honeymaren would say the same thing. She’d either brush it off or comment that she made her choice.

Was this….

Was this going to be how Elsa found out?

Would this be…?

No.

No...Elsa couldn’t.

It felt like such a breach of privacy.

If Honeymaren wanted to tell her anything….

But this was likely her only chance to find out.

And as much as she wanted to look away, Elsa couldn’t bring herself to.

Lips parting and hands close to her chest, she leaned forward in anticipation and watched as the scene played out.

_“Are you sure about this?” Honeymaren asked._

_Yelena narrowed her gaze. “What makes you question my authority on the matter?”_

_“I’m not. It’s just….” Honeymaren’s answer came too quickly, as if she were trying to cover her tracks somehow. The woman took a pause, almost holding her hands up in defense. Then, after a moment, she straightened her stance again and let out a breath. “With all due respect, Elsa’s lived with magic her whole life. She knows more about it than any of us do. Maybe she has a point. Maybe it’s worth trying.”_

_“You are not dare suggesting we put our people in danger,” Yelena warned._

_“We have Elsa. We have the spirits on our side,” Honeymaren replied._

_“You put too much faith in that girl, Honeymaren. She may be a spirit but she is still human. You cannot allow your judgment to be clouded when it comes to the safety of our people. How can you expect to be a decent chieftess if you allow yourself to give into the temptations of one person?” she questioned._

Elsa blinked.

Judgment?

Temptation?

What…?

A cry could be heard in the distance. Elsa’s eyes fluttered. She turned her head, realizing it was coming from the direction of her goahti. Her brows furrowed. River….

They had just gotten home then.

But why was she still…?

Elsa thought she had tried to calm the baby down.

She knew it was not perfect.

There had been the shattered item, not to mention the scratch on her arm….

But how bad had it really been?

As tempting as it was to inspect, Elsa couldn’t help but return her gaze to Honeymaren.

The woman stood stiff and wide-eyed, like a child caught with their hands in a cookie jar.

But why would she appear so nervous? After all, it wasn’t like….

_“I know you care about our people. I would not have chosen you to succeed me if I thought otherwise. But Honeymaren, if you care for this girl at all, if your feelings are that powerful, then if you must, do what is necessary for her. And eliminate the problem.”_

Elsa gasped.

No….

No, Yelena wasn’t really….

She was instructing Honeymaren to….

Her head darted towards the ice goahti.

The cries overlapped with a few snarls.

There was the shadow Elsa holding baby River behind the ice.

But something sprouted from the shadow.

Something long.

The closest thing it could resemble was a tail.

That was when River began to lunge.

Eyes widening, Elsa looked back at Honeymaren. 

Similar to Elsa, the woman appeared taken aback to say the least. She stood frozen with wide eyes. Her mouth was a bit agape and her fingers shook at her sides. Though the details on her face were not as specific, courtesy of the snow, Elsa could not determine whether she was more in shock or fearful at Yelena’s suggestion.

_“Y...Yelena…. Are you saying…?”_

_“If your people mean anything to you, and if this woman truly means that much to you, you will do as I say.”_

Elsa swore she felt her heart stop.

Was….

Was that why Honeymaren came to her goahti in the first place?

Was she really considering….

But….

But that memory….

Yelena didn’t send her.

She came as a friend.

She wanted to help.

She said she wouldn’t let anything happen.

It didn’t add up.

There was no way in hell Honeymaren would have….

_“No.”_

_Her voice was surprisingly quiet, almost shaky._

_Yelena’s gaze narrowed further. Her frown deepened. Her wrinkles became more prominent._

_Shit was about to go down._

_“What did you say to me?”_

_“No.”_

_Honeymaren’s voice was a bit louder that time, though there was still some uncertainty behind it._

_“There…. There has to be another way.”_

_“There is no other way.”_

_“Yelena, if we can just….”_

_“You dare risk the safety and wellbeing of your people, of your family, for that creature? Off a mere belief? Because you are willing to selfishly follow one woman into fire? Dive into that fire and everything around you burns. Including your future.”_

Elsa’s hands shot up to cover her mouth. Her shocked expression almost perfectly mirrored Honeymaren’s. Both realized how much was at stake with Honeymaren’s suggestion.

Everything around her would burn….

The respect the Northuldra had for her would fizzle out.

The relationships she built would explode.

Everything around her she worked for would turn to a crisp.

Her home…. Her family…. Her life….

Nothing would remain from the ashes.

Quite possibly, not even Elsa and River.

All because of a mere possibility.

Of a simple thought.

Of a belief.

It was the moment she would be giving up everything.

Honeymaren must have realized that because she remained completely silent.

And though Elsa knew what the outcome would be, she couldn’t help but pray that Honeymaren would change her mind. That somehow the course of history would change.

Don’t do it, Maren, she thought, Honey please don’t….

A smash was heard in the background.

Likely that was the moment River broke the pottery in Elsa’s goahti.

Little did Elsa know that it was the same moment everything in Honeymaren’s life would also shatter.

_“If….”_

_Honeymaren took another pause._

_“If my future is to lead people who are willing to….”_

_Shutting her eyes tight, she turned her head. Her fists clenched beside her and her body shook. Honeymaren was visibly struggling with her choice._

_And yet, despite the fight, it didn’t change the outcome._

_It was still but a memory._

_“Those are not the people I want to lead. She’s worth more than that.”_

_It appeared to take some more effort, but Honeymaren began walking past Yelena in the direction of Elsa’s goahti._

_The elder merely pursed her lips, keeping her look as stoic as possible._

_Unfortunately, even Yelena could not hide her disappointment in Honeymaren._

_Not even in the form of a snow sculpture._

_“The child or Elsa?”_

_Honeymaren stopped in her tracks._

Elsa held in a gasp.

Her heart began racing.

A long pause followed.

Finally, after what felt like an endless moment of silence, Honeymaren gave a curt and quiet answer.

_“Both of them.”_

_She continued her way towards the goahti and disappeared from sight._

The remaining bits of the memory flurries away around Elsa. Clutching her hands tight over her chest, she let out a few gasps. Her knees became unsteady and, before she knew it, she was on the ground fighting back tears.

She….

She thought both of them were worth it.

Even after….

Even after walking into the goahti for the first time….

Even when she saw hints of what River was capable of….

She had the chance to walk away.

And she didn’t.

She stayed for River.

And….

And she stayed for Elsa.

Her eyes bulged.

Elsa’s head shot up and all too quickly she could see memories of the three of them flashing past her in the form of a mini blizzard.

The first night they sat beside each other with River in Elsa’s arms.

The two of them singing to River.

Honeymaren holding River’s hand.

Kissing it.

Giving it to Elsa to kiss.

Elsa kissing Honeymaren.

The three of them falling asleep beside each other.

River sleeping comfortably between the two of them.

Honeymaren’s arm draped over Elsa and River.

The lullabies.

The bedtime stories.

The cuddles.

The kisses.

And in every single one of them, River appeared nothing more than a happy, normal little girl.

There were no hints of powers.

No implications of any dangers.

No fear in Elsa’s or Honeymaren’s eyes.

Just joy, laughter, and love.

Wait….

Love…?

Elsa gasped.

Was that…?

Was that why…?

Every time River was a normal little girl.

Every time she was at her happiest.

There was never any fear.

There were never any concerns.

There was only love.

The love that Elsa and Honeymaren had for River.

The love they surrounded her with.

The love that they….

That was it!

Love!

That was how Elsa’s powers worked.

She controlled them with love.

Every time River lashed out….

Every time she attacked….

Every time she appeared as something else….

Every time there were hints of that other form….

Every time it was brought on….

The love was overpowered by fear.

The fear of those around her.

The fear of the Northuldra.

The fear that Elsa and Honeymaren had because of them.

Because they were afraid something would happen to River.

That’s what brought it on!

That was why Elsa didn’t sense the spirits.

If everyone could let go of their fears….

If they could only ever completely surround River with love….

Then balance would return to the spirits and to the Northuldra.

That was the answer!

To fill River’s world with light and love.

Just like they had from the moment Honeymaren entered the goahti.

From the moment they became her mothers.

Elsa had to get back!

She had to tell Honeymaren.

And now there was no question about it.

They had to get the hell out of there.

Elsa raced out of Ahtohollan. She dashed as fast as her legs could take her until she reached the exit. As soon as she was outside, she was met with a blast of cold air. She raised her arm in front of her, serving briefly as a barrier to the sudden change. But there was no time to fully adjust. She had to get back to her family. Now.

_“Ah ah oh oh!”_

She called for the Nokk to return so they could ride across the Dark Sea and return to Northuldra.

But there was no answer.

Elsa waited a moment.

This was no time for Nokk’s games.

_“Ah ah oh oh oh!”_

She tried calling again but the water spirit still did not respond.

What the…?

Elsa shook her head.

No, she couldn’t waste time on this.

Whatever the hell was going on, Nokk could wait. She’d figure that out later. Right now her family was the priority. She had to get back home before the fear and anger became too much for River to handle.

She just hoped she didn’t surpass her two days.

\---

The Dark Sea was, unsurprisingly, dark.

Elsa tried not to think of it and simply remind herself it was late.

How late specifically, she was unsure of.

The waves were a questionable combination of steady and violent.

They were not tall or menacing when Nokk controlled them, similar to their first encounter.

There was almost something eerie about them this time.

There was not someone or something commanding them.

Not even the moon...wherever the hell it was hiding.

Elsa had to rely on her ice powers completely to cross.

One ice patch in front of the last.

Jumping between them.

Occasionally remaining on one and sending out a blast with a hand as if to project her forward like a rocket.

One or two small waves, admittedly, she had to leap through in order to pass.

But she wasn’t going to let a little — or a lot — of water stop her.

She continued treading forward.

Everything she could remotely think of to help her cross with the help of her powers, she did.

And slowly but surely, the shore came into view.

I’m coming, loves, she thought.

Not even waiting to come in full contact with the steady ground beneath her, Elsa jumped into the shallow part of the sea and began speeding forward on her feet. She made her way across the shore, up the hill, through the beginning patches of the forest and past one of the reindeers’ favorite grazing locations until she reached the edge of the encampment.

But when she finally reached her destination, Elsa felt all color and warmth drained from her being.

Most of the goahtis were in shambles.

The usual gathering spot for meetings or meals was torn apart. The logs for the fire were completely ripped into pieces. The cauldron for preparing dishes was on the ground, numerous cracks visible on its surface.

The ground was uneven, as if it had been stepped over time and time again, signifying some sort of battle.

Even some of the trees, while not down completely, had marks across the bark and branches broken apart or torn down completely.

The encampment was a total ghost town.

Elsa felt her breathing quicken. It became heavier with every passing second. There were no words to describe what she saw beyond those bare basics. The only other word that possibly came to mind was ruined.

And not a soul was to be seen.

“No….”

The gasp came barely above a whisper.

What….

What the hell…?

“No….”

Shaking her head in complete disbelief, Elsa had no choice but to run ahead. She had to get to her goahti. Surely that was still standing. Maybe Honeymaren and River were inside. Maybe everyone wasn’t really gone. Maybe….

“River! Maren!”

She desperately called out to them until she reached her home. She didn’t dare take notice of how it appeared on the outside. She only cared about what was inside.

If anything.

And when she stepped through the opening, it was empty.

At first, few things appeared out of place.

Under normal circumstances it would have seemed fairly normal.

“Maren…? River…?”

Elsa looked around, praying to the spirits this was some joke. That it was just like her usual visit from Ahtohollan. She would come home. They’d be hiding. River would pop out first, sometimes in Honeymaren’s arms or sometimes Honeymaren would follow. River would shout, ‘boo’ and then burst into a fit of giggles.

Elsa stood frozen in place, waiting for that moment to arrive.

No.

She _begged_ for it to come.

But it didn’t.

Where was….

Where was her family?

Turning on her heel, she ran out of the goahti.

“River! Honeymaren!”

She yelled through the deserted forest, heart pounding and voice beginning to crack.

She looked around, struggling to control her breathing, desperately waiting for an answer.

Any answer.

“River! Honey!”

She screamed louder, but there was still no answer.

Elsa felt her body trembling.

What….

What happened…?

When…?

How…?

Why…?

With heavy breaths, she struggled to fight back tears and assume the worst. She turned her body in every direction possible, looking for any hints of something. A direction...an actual answer... _anything_.

Then, her eyes fell on the tree beside the goahti.

Her eyes widened and her heart sank.

There were the usual marks on the tree, indeed signifying the growth of River throughout the years. How tall she had gotten with each passing season.

But now, those little marks were wiped away completely.

Instead large claw marks sliced through the bark of the tree, burying all hints of the child completely.

“No…” exhaled heavily.

With a shaking hand, she reached forward.

She….

She couldn’t be….

_They_ couldn’t be….

But as soon as her fingertips connected with the tree, Elsa completely lost it.

She just knew.

Her legs gave in beneath her and she crumbled to the ground. Curling her entire body in towards her, Elsa broke down.

She should have never gone to Ahtohollan.

Not even for one day.

Honeymaren was right.

They should have left when they had a chance.

River did need them.

And Elsa let them down completely.

It was too late now.

She paid no mind to the cold air surrounding her. The cold never bothered her anyway. But now she might as well have welcomed it. Without the warmth of Honeymaren...without her daughter in her arms…. What was the point? There was nothing else. Just cold and loneliness.

Not even just River and Honeymaren; everyone in Northuldra was gone.

And it was all Elsa’s fault.

She was unsure how long she lay in the cold for. Time passed differently compared to Ahtohollan. There, she lost track of time in her desperation for answers. But now? Time meant nothing. There was nothing and no one to go on for. Elsa completely lost herself in her grief and sorrow.

_Churrr...grrrl_

What was…?

Elsa’s sobs lightened.

That sounded like….

Something deep.

A growl of some sort?

But that wasn’t totally uncommon in the forest.

Unless….

Slowly, she forced herself to sit up. She pressed her palm to her face, attempting to dry some of her tears.

Maybe she was hearing things.

It was just false hope speaking.

She sniffed and let out a small hiccup as faint specs of snow began to descend from above.

_Grau...grrr_

There it was again...sort of.

Elsa’s brows furrowed.

She turned her head.

In the distance, beyond the darkened trees, she could see the shadow of something.

To most it would have very much implied a monster of sorts. A creature haunting the forest in the dark of the night.

But through blurred vision, even Elsa could see hints of the creature.

It was not made of fur nor did it appear smooth.

It was faint, nearly unnoticeable, but there were bumps of some sort on its silhouette.

Almost like….

Like its body was rough.

And from behind, Elsa could see a tail shifting back and forth.

She didn’t see it perfectly, but there was no doubt in her mind.

She saw that same shape before, back at the memory in Ahtohollan.

From the first night.

Her breath felt caught in her throat and she could no longer tell if her heart was racing or stopped completely. Her voice cracked out, near inaudible.

Either she was seeing something so desperately that she wanted to be true….

Or there was at least one left.

“River….”

Elsa’s eyes itched. She felt as if she could barely keep them open. Her vision remained foggy and, as she struggled to stand on her feet, her body felt completely unsteady. As if it were devoid of everything.

The only thing that could have possibly been left in her soul was her magic. And even that was beginning to leave her in the form of sheets of ice beneath her feet.

“River….”

The creature in the shadows took a step back. But Elsa believed its eyes remained on her.

At that moment she didn’t care about anything else around her.

If that really was River, if that truly was her daughter staring at her in the distance, then there was only one thing Elsa wanted. Even if just for a moment. Just to know. Just to have that last chance.

“Where’s Mommy?”

It slowly backed away, all but confirming Elsa’s suspicions.

The blonde forced herself to step forward.

Her steps were slow and tiresome. It took every ounce of strength she had to just trudge forward.

“Let’s go to her.”

And with that, she followed River into the dark depths of the now deserted forest, leaving only a trail of ice and a blizzard behind her.

Until that soon became all that was left of Northuldra and the forest.

**Author's Note:**

> So i think i started this oneshot back in August, maybe? And i was struggling to work on it in bits and pieces. The first section with Elsa's visit to Ahtohollan and going through the memories was easy, but it was everything after that. Because every time i came back to work on it something changed. And i kept thinking, how much detail should i go into? How much should i really show? How much should i show with her, Honeymaren, and River as a family? And i toyed with the idea of them all actually ending up in Ahtohollan together and just kind of staying there. Then i started thinking, what if it ends as being a ghost story of some sort? Like we flashforward to the future and someone is telling this and it's really about the disappearance of the Fifth Spirit?
> 
> By the time i got to Elsa's second visit to Ahtohollan...i think the section before that was crunch time because from last week into this week i was struggling to get it done in time for Halloween...i was trying to be more mindful of what to include and how much detail to go into. It was definitely an attempt to say the least to balance the angst with the fluff. Because Elsamaren is so happy with this kid and seemingly together, what could possibly be wrong? But there's obviously something going on. So i tried to leave some of this open to interpretation. Like, how much time passed between the second and third sections? You decide. How much could have happened to lead to Elsa's decisions? You decide. What more to the story could there be that Yelena was telling in the flashback? You decide. How much time did she really spend in Ahtohollan? i don't know, do you? What really happened at the end, where everyone went, if River wiped everyone out and if Honeymaren is ok...you decide. And i'll admit i'm not sure how well i did that because this is definitely not my thing and there were so many changed as i put it together.... But i tried to keep the main focus of the story being about Elsa's fear. Her fear that she did something wrong. Her fear that she screwed something up. Her fear of the feelings. Her fear of this life she created with Honeymaren and River, it's not real. And ultimately the fear is what took over and, even though she did find answers, it potentially led to a huge downfall.
> 
> So i hope you enjoyed this on some level in some way.... But on the bright side now that this is done i should be able to go back to what i know which is my usual retail horror stories. So i'll be back during the week with an actual update for that. Until then, Happy Halloween everyone!


End file.
